


Fall

by Elphabuddy



Series: And A Vest... [2]
Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Anxiety, Birthday, Coming Out, Dyslexia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Found Family, Friendship, Halloween, Hijinx, Movie Nights, Pining Idiots, Slow Burn, Thanksgiving, Trans!Karen, Trick or Treating, but it’s Kasper now, so trans!Kasper, trans!damian, your faves are trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23145328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elphabuddy/pseuds/Elphabuddy
Summary: TW: Pre Coming Out Misgendering of a Trans Person, Unsafe Binding
Relationships: Cady Heron/Aaron Samuels, Damian Hubbard & Janis Sarkisian, Karen Smith/Gretchen Wieners, Regina George/Janis Sarkisian
Series: And A Vest... [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1478060
Comments: 18
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Pre Coming Out Misgendering of a Trans Person, Unsafe Binding

Karen admits to himself that he’s trans over a month after Damian suggested that he might be. He has put in a lot of research into it and things keep lining up. It scares him to know he is what he is but he can't pretend it away now.

There is also something freeing that comes with the admission as well. 

He always knew that his discomfort with puberty wasn't normal. He always knew that his skin crawling at being called words like girl or miss wasn't normal. He always knew that having twinges of jealousy over not having a guy's bodies wasn't normal. He always knew that he wasn't normal.

Now he realizes that maybe, just maybe, he's normal in his own way. It's a different kind of normal than he's used to but it is normal.

And maybe, just maybe, that's ok.

There's a word for how he thinks, how he acts, how he feels. There is an explanation for who he is.

He settles on the name Kasper and tries it out with Damian when they FaceTime. Damian suggests spelling it with a C but Kasper insists that with a K is what he wants it. His K is, like, his signature or whatever. It always has been. That isn't about to change any time soon.

Only time will tell how things in their group will end up. Only Regina will tell, if he's being honest.

Until then, he doesn't have to worry about inciting World War 3. Until then, he keeps his abnormal normal life. Until then, he can take comfort in his identity in secret. Until then, nestled between the warm coats in his little closet, he is safe.

***

Their group’s table feels astonishingly empty now that Aaron has gone off to college. They may have gain Janis and Damian which, by definition, makes the table fuller than last year, but they aren't him. 

Don't get Kasper wrong, he loves having his 2 new friends banded together with his old ones and he knew Aaron would be moving away for college (he'd have to be a fool not to with free boarding and all) but he misses him regardless. 

Judging by Cady's restlessness and how she keeps turning to Damian, ready to kiss him, and turning away with a frown once she notices it's not her boyfriend, he's not the only one that feels his absence deeply.

After every incident, Damian rubs her back gently and murmurs that he knows before the table goes quiet.

Kasper finds himself facetiming Aaron a couple weeks after school starts up on a night that he can't stop thinking. "Hey. What's wrong? Is Cady ok?" Aaron answers, already beginning to freak out.

Of course he would. They were friends but they were never super close. Both of them were too afraid of Regina to talk one on one until lately.

"She's ok. She misses you a bunch. We all do."

He sighs out a quiet chuckle. "Me too. How are you?"

"Good. Not tired. If you are, we can talk later."

"Nah. Feels like I haven't talked to you in forever. Like, truly spoken to you. What's going on in that beautiful mind of yours?" he asks.

Kasper fondly remembers how he'd always boop his nose with a dorky grin after asking when he was in Illinois. He shrugs nonchalantly. "A lot if you ask me. Nothing if you ask the guidance counselor or literally anyone else. Not sure I'd even graduate if my dad didn't pay off the school."

"I still can't believe he'd rather pay for you to get through without learning what you need instead of getting you a tutor," he huffs with an eye roll.

Kasper shrugs at that. "I mean, I'm getting help. Especially from Cady. I actually got a 74 in history. I know it's not that great but I passed a pop quiz. Me, by myself. And I didn't cheat once!” he swears, crossing an X on his chest.

Aaron grins widely. "You did? K, that's amazing. Don't downgrade it."

He blushes, running his fingers through what's left of his hair. He's still not completely used to it but it's still comforting. "How's it over in California? Is it hot? Are you going to learn how to surf? Have you seen a shark?" he asks excitedly.

Aaron chuckles and shakes his head. "Nah. You'll be the first I tell if I do. It's... It's weird. Calling Cady isn't the same as just going over. I'm kind of alone here. I don't regret it, I do love it here, but everything has changed. I don't know a single person here and I'm still reeling."

"Yeah. I get that. Janis and Damian sit with us now but it’s not the same. But not knowing people is great cuz it means you get to make new friends.”

Aaron chuckles and nods. He jerks his head to toss his swoopy hair out of his eyes. "That's definitely a way to look at it, K."

Kasper can see that he suspects that he's holding back but he would never push for information when someone isn't ready to talk about it. 

Aaron smiles kindly at him. He's always so gentle with him and he's thankful for it. He's not sure if that's the reason or if it's the distance that makes him feel safer with letting Aaron know, but here it comes anyways. "Aaron, you know how I said I have a lot on my mind regardless of what others could think?"

"I've always known that, bud," he replies with a nod.

"Well, what do you think about trans people? Like, what would you think if I was, like, one of them?" he asks, worrying his lip between his fingers.

Aaron’s warm smile answers his question before he can open his mouth.

***

He calls Damian the same night to truly come out to him after Aaron. Damian knows what's going on so it's less scary this time. “Hey there, sexy," the flamboyant boy answers while there's laughter in the background. 

“I'm sure I am, you know, the thing we were talking about. Now what?” he blurts out.

The laughter calms down and he hears Janis ask if everything is alright. He hadn’t even considered that Damian might be with someone when he called him. “Never mind, I’ll go. Sorry for interrupting.”

“No, it’s ok. We were just getting ready to crash. One sec.” He hears footsteps and a door close. "Ok. Unleash. You'll feel better when you do."

“What happens now? How do I tell everyone? Will I lose everything? What’s wrong with me? Why am I so freaked out about this? I know I’ll have friends even if Regina hates me for it.”

“Kas, it might feel like the world is ending but I promise you it isn’t. Things will go on even if coming out doesn’t go well. The rougher stuff mellows out or gives up on hurting you. People might leave you, I will not lie, but not everyone will. I mean, my dad left but my mom and Jan stayed. Sometimes they forget that I’m... Fuck!” he exclaims with a gasp.

Kasper jolts at the sound of his friend using such harsh language. He has never heard him use anything worse than damn unless he was singing along to a musical. Janis isn’t used to it either because he hears the door open. “No swearing on my fucking Christian server, goddammit.”

Damian lets out a deep belly laugh at his friend’s outburst. “My secret is out and, I guess, so am I. How does that make you feel to know someone who’s like, like a trans guy?” he saves effortlessly to avoid outing him.

“Jaw dropped emoji. Not alone," he whispers, knowing Janis is probably still there.

“Good. Excuse me a moment.” The door closes once more.

He hears Damian’s muffled voice talking but the only thing he picks up is ‘my lovelies’ and ‘stay over’. Damian uncovers the phone. “Do you want to sleep over at Caddy's house after we study with you tomorrow? Caddy and Jan are fine with it.”

“Do they know, you know, the other thing?” He does his best to hide his fear but it still seeps through.

“No. That’s up to you.”

“Heart emoji, thank you so much.”

He can hear Damian’s grin. “Get some sleep, babe.”

"You too," he replies, snuggling into his bed and falling asleep quickly after.

***

He decided to try tying down his chest that day. Luckily for him, he watched Disney as a child and saw how to in Mulan. It’s tight and hard to breathe but he loves how he looks. 

He tosses on the shirt he got with Damian with a denim vest and some knee length shorts. He figured he'll use the last little bit of warm weather to his advantage.

The moment he grabs his cell, it vibrates in his hand. Regina texts him that she’s picking him up, adding that she wants to talk.

She might have been cool with the hair but what about the gender thing? She might read it on him. It wouldn't be impossible. The question isn't if she'll find out, he knows she'll learn it eventually, it’s how she'll react once she does. He nervously agrees. Not accepting the ride would imply that he's been avoiding her which he hasn’t been.

He waits outside for Regina who gets there soon after. He hops in and tosses his bag to the back. She takes off when his seatbelt is buckled. “Is everything alright between us, Karen? And with you? Are you ok?”

She knows, she knows, she knows. Aaron is a bastard. He must have tattled and he's 10 mere seconds away from the apex predator ripping his throat out. She just wants to play with her food before killing it.

He decides to play dumb. It's not like stupidity from him would shock anyone. “Of course it is! Why would you think anything different, puzzled emoji?”

“You’ve just been super distant. You’ve been ditching Gretch and me for Damian and Janis and it feels like we never talk anymore. If we did something, if I did something, please just tell me and we can talk it out," she pouts.

Ok, maybe she doesn’t know. Maybe Aaron kept his word. “You did nothing, I’m sorry," he mumbles.

He feels guilty. He didn't mean to ditch them. He just feels wrong around them sometimes. Like he has to force himself to be something he doesn't want to be.

“Why are you sorry? What’s wrong?” Pain flashes across her face and she pulls into a dollar store parking lot. “Fuck, it’s me. I'm what's wrong. You’re afraid of me.”

Kasper whimpers. He’s not afraid, he’s mortified.

She grips the steering wheel and rests her forehead against it. She takes a shaky breath. “Kare, I love you, if you’ve found something out about yourself, I’m ok with it.”

He can’t get the words out and all this heavy breathing against the bandages from biting back tears has left him lightheaded so he nods. "It's all good, Reg."

“Are you sure you're ok? Absolutely certain that you're ok?” There’s concern etched in her eyes and he briefly sorta misses cruel Regina because he never made her nearly cry.

“Thumbs up emoji.”

She sits unmoving, breathing deeply. He rests his hand on her shoulder carefully and he feels her melt into it. It shouldn't shock him as much as it does, but it does.

Is he keeping her at such a far distance that she misses him this much or is she becoming more transparent about her touch starvation? Has he been so focused on his other friends that he isn't noticing how dramatically she's changing? He knows she's changing, but this hasn't been her for years. Not since she kicked Janis out of their group...

And now she's back.

That actually makes a lot of sense. Janis could be bringing this out in her. She must like her a lot. Maybe more than like but that is so totally not a question he'll ever ask her.

Regina sniffles and shakes her head before pulling down her mirror to check her makeup. Once she deems it acceptable, she turns the car back on and starts driving again. He knows they'll be late now but he's not going to say anything. Not like he's going to be valedictorian anyway.

“I’ve missed you. If you’re free Friday after school, wanna come to my house? We can paint each other’s nails with Gretch. Maybe loosen up a bit and have some dinner?” Regina asks, her voice is still rather thick from nearly crying.

He agrees and she reaches over to ruffle his hair blindly. She promptly slaps him when she hits a bump. He bursts out in laughter before she can apologize.

***

He doesn’t come out to Janis and Cady that night. It's nice to have gender not be a super big thing since none of them are exactly gender conforming. There's not really that pressure to meet society's standard for a popular girl that still lingers with Regina and Gretchen. He loves them and loves being with them but there's a different feeling from hanging out with the Art Freaks versus the Plastics.

Their studying takes an embarrassing amount of time longer than it should have because Cady keeps asking if Kasper understands, and no he doesn't, so they break it down further until he nods with his telltale smile that lets them know it finally clicked.

He apologizes repeatedly for how long it took until Damian presses his finger on his lips and shushes him. "We'd have studied all night if that's what it took to help you."

"Yeah but-"

"But we care about you and we're happy to help you, Kare," Cady adds.

He nods and gives up on his apologies to them. They won't take them no matter how hard he tries.

Janis begs them to play poker, which is odd since she's very bad at it. At least, she’s bad considering who she's playing. Damian can guess her thoughts with a single glance, Kasper can easily read anyone and everyone, and Cady is surprisingly good at not getting caught peeking at other hands. 

Janis blames her losing streak on bad luck. Kasper is certain that luck has nothing to do with it when Cady is clearly cheating. 

Janis leans back in her chair at the Heron's dining table and groans loudly. "Guys, I'm so gay and I'm so fucked," she whines, laying her head on the table.

Cady glances at the flash of card she sees and Kasper notices once again. He guesses now is as good of a time as any to let her know. “Does this have anything to do with how you check out Regina like Cady is checking out your cards?" Kasper asks.

Both girls go bright red and Damian chuckles at the unfolding situation.

"Wait a second. You're looking at my cards?" Janis asks, sitting up lightening fast and turning to Cady, who stutters while turning even redder than Kasper thought was possible for a human being, essentially admitting her guilt.

"You didn't deny the first thing," Kasper states plainly.

Janis snorts loudly. "Why should I have to deny something so absurd? Absolutely not."

He clicks tongue, not looking at her as he bets 5 hard caramels and 2 peanut butter cups. "Lie," he says, a knowing smirk growing on his lips.

Damian tosses his cards to the center to fold. He rests his head on his hands, very much so entertained by this conversation. 

"So what if I think she's pretty? I have eyes! I'm not talking about her right now!" Janis defends as Cady starts giggling too.

Kasper peeks over his cards at her, raising a questioning eyebrow, and she raises her arms above her head in defeat. "Fine. I am talking about her. She's hot as fuck and I have a big lesbian crush on her. Sue me."

He grins in victory. "Are you going to ask her out?"

"Fuck, no. She's made it quite clear that she's straight and we're just barely talking again. No way I'm fucking this up by becoming the predatory lesbian all of you thought I was for nearly 5 years," she huffs indignantly.

Kasper frowns. He slides his cards in the chest pocket of his vest and leans forward with his hands outstretched to Janis. "I never thought that," he murmurs sadly.

Janis pulls back and runs her fingers through her hair, grabs the back of her neck, and sighs. "Fuck. I meant Northshore. Not you in particular. I'm sorry it came across like I blamed you or whatever but now I'm friends with her again and the crush that tore us apart is growing back and, goddammit, she's gonna hate me," she grumbles rushed, hugging her arms around her chest protectively.

"She won't. I see how she looks at you," he reassures, pulling his hands back when he notes that she doesn't want to be touched.

"I'm with K on this one, Jan. She looks at you like she's some castaway and you're a juicy burger," Damian butts in with.

She rolls her eyes at both of them. "Pfft. No, she doesn’t. It's whatever. I'll get over it. I have before. Let's get back to the game. Bet or fold, Caddy?" 

"Janis..." Damian breathes.

"No. This is done. I'm fine. I'll get over it again," she says, raising her hands in surrender.

"Jan," he pushes.

"Promise me that this doesn't leave this table. I thought I wanted to talk about this but I really don't," she demands, tapping the table with her knuckles nervously.

Kasper draws an X on his chest while nodding as Damian and Caddy promise her.

***

Friday rolls around and he’s actually kind of excited. He's missed girls’ night even if he's not one anymore. He lets himself fully enjoy the night, knowing that it won't be the same when they find out. He needs to ring out whatever goodness he can from what could possibly be the last time Regina paints his nails while Gretchen releases a stream of consciousness. 

His brain remarks that the shade of green Gretchen chose for him is the same color as Elphaba. Maybe Regina is right about him spending a lot of time with the art nerds, he realizes.

They watch chick flicks once their nails dry. Gretchen snuggles up to him, resting her arm across his waist to hold him close. His cheeks are on fire and his gut feels all fluttery. He refuses to acknowledge what that could mean. 

He just figured out he’s a guy and that’s all he can deal with for now. Still, he can’t help but to lean into her hand when her nails scratch his scalp.

Regina is fidgety on his other side but he lets her be since he’s asked if she’s ok enough times to be annoying. He bites back another comment on her inability to sit still when she speaks up. “I think I’m falling in love with Janis," she says, failing at her clear attempt at being nonchalant when her voice crackles in fear.

“Are you going to ask her out?” he bubbles out gleefully.

“Are you fucking stupid? Of course not!” she berates. She flinches at her own outburst. She sucks air in through her teeth regretfully and sighs. “No, you’re not stupid. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. She would never say yes, so why set myself up to be hurt?”

He wishes Janis hadn't sworn him to secrecy on her Regina crush a couple days ago. He wishes he could tell her that she was safe to ask because he knows Janis would say yes. He wishes he could tell her how he sees Janis look at her like she is the most amazing human being to ever live. He wishes but he stays quiet. Promises are promises.

Gretchen rubs his back softly after Regina’s outburst and he does his best to not let it get to him. The tiny girl rests her head on his shoulder for the rest of the movie. 

He ignores what he can't yet admit. The butterflies in his belly are a crisis for another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Unsafe Binding, Misgendering of a Pre Coming Out Trans Person, Dysphoria, Homophobia, Transphobia, Drunken Emotional Abuse, Panic/Anxiety Attack

One weekend, Regina suggest Target and, surprisingly enough, not a single person disagrees. While it does actually close for the night, it's more pride-friendly and closer.

They all separate as per usual. Kasper agrees to playing tag with Janis through the store. He’s running around the toy section from her but breathing is getting hard. He leans against the board game section, gasping for air. Janis comes up and tags him harder than she needs to. He falters, grunting in pain, but catches himself before he can go completely over. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. You ok?"

He tries to take a deep breath and a throbbing stab shoots through his torso which causes him to wince and cradle his aching ribs. She glances at his chest then his face.

Oh shit.

She’s not just angry emoji. She’s cursing emoji. “For fuck sake,” she mutters under her breath before she speaks up for him. “Please tell me that’s not ace wrap.”

He looks down at the ground, because, yeah, it is. She sighs, shaking her head in disbelief. “Come on, dude. Let’s get that off before you hurt yourself worse.”

He pouts at her and stands still in the hopes that she won't force him out of it. He knows it's a futile fight but he decides to try his hand anyways. It's not like she could ever understand why he'd put himself through this. Her gaze softens and she holds her hand out to him. He cautiously extends his hand. She delicately holds his hand as if he is made of porcelain.

“No, you aren’t wearing that shit anymore. That is very dangerous and Dam and I can tell you about safer methods," she pushes caringly. She wraps her arm around his shoulders ever so carefully, guiding him to the front of the store.

Normally, he'd hate being treated like a baby but he'd rather her be careful with him with how badly his entire torso aches.

On the way to the bathroom, she has him give her the basics like pronouns and new name. He answers honestly, partly because he’s too scared to lie when she’s already so clearly upset with him.

She helps him unwrap in the family bathroom and gasps at the sight of his yellowish bruised skin with slices under his pits from the friction of the rough bandages. “What the fuck, dude?”

“It doesn’t hurt as bad as-" he bobs his head towards the mirror he refuses to face and hopes she gets it.

He manages to look at her and there are a couple stray tears littering her cheeks.

She definitely got it.

He feels awful for making her cry since the last time he witnessed her cry was after the locker incident. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad face emoji.”

“Don’t think I’ll ever get used to the thought of dysphoria," she says, shaking her head.

She takes off her jacket and hands it to him. “That should hide things that you want to hide for tonight. If anyone asks, you got cold," she says, slam dunking the bandages in the garbage can.

She opens her arms and hugs him when he steps forward, cradling his lower back gently so she doesn’t hurt him. “It’ll be ok, dude. Everything will work out.”

***

Gretchen and Regina do not enjoy the sight of him in Janis’s jacket but neither say a word. Kasper wonders if Gretchen likes Janis too due to her reaction. He knows Cady will be in for a trip that car ride. He’s certainly dreading his because he knows Janis is tattling the second the doors close.

For once, he is right and Damian screeches dramatically a few times but calms down halfway to the house. They both talk to him about safe binding. "I'm sorry. Mulan made it seem like the right way to do it," he mumbles, his head hung in shame.

“Of course Mulan fucked up another baby trans,” Janis mumbles after she releases a bitter laugh.

“She means me because I did it too for that reason. It’s ok because now we know how to be safe about it, right?” Damian informs him so he knows the irritation isn't only aimed at him.

“Right," he nods.

***

He hears honking outside his house about an hour after he gets home from their weekly sleepover. He puts his vest and flat shoes when he notices it’s Regina and Gretchen. “Get in, loser. We’re going shopping.”

He hops in the empty passenger seat and listens to Gretchen dish on the latest gossip while leaning towards the front. It feels like old times but better. Now when they gossiped it was a space filler of white noise instead of a life ruining plot. Instead of Regina snapping and bitching Gretchen out if she got too loud to focus while she drove, she’d politely ask her to be quiet for a moment.

He felt at ease in that Lexus for once. Regina parks the car. Before anyone goes to get out, a tiny, scared whisper comes from the backseat. “I think I like girls too.”

“Who’s your gay awakening?” Regina asks, doing her best to hide her smirk.

Gretchen gets quiet. “Sonya Acquino.”

That’s a lie.

He guesses that she likes Janis or Regina and doesn’t want to cross boundaries. Either could make sense but he doubts Regina since she seems comfortable with their friendship. She doesn’t look at her like Regina and Janis look at each other plus the look she gave him in Janis’s jacket is fresh in his mind.

Yeah, he thinks. Definitely Janis.

Kasper doesn’t know if Regina realizes it’s a lie but they both accept her answer without question. When she gets out, Kasper and Regina envelope her in a group hug. Regina softly commends her on her bravery as she pets her head. Kasper clings onto her waist tightly as he stands behind her.

They go into the mall shortly after. The first store they go to, Regina beelines to the men’s section.

That’s really weird unless...

Shit.

Gretchen sees him take an apprehensive step backwards and jogs up to him, giving him a concerned smile. She takes his hands in hers, gently bouncing them. “We’ve noticed you’ve been wearing some more masculine stuff so we wanted to help you pick out some clothes that you might like better than those skirts collecting dust in the back of your closet, especially since it's getting colder and there's only so long that you can wear shorts. We don’t have to do this. Not today. Not ever. This is your choice but we will not judge you.”

“I want to. I have for a while. No offense but Janis, Damian, and Cady but their fashion isn't exactly-" he mumbles sheepishly.

Regina has already found a sweater for him to try on. “No need to finish that statement,” she replies as she bites back laughter.

He ends up getting enough shirts and pants to last a week with them. It takes them the whole afternoon but he picks out clothes that he enjoys and truly feels good in while his friends help him get clothes that look good on him. Tomorrow, he gets to go to school feeling the best he ever has in clothes.

***

For once, his father is home in the kitchen when he gets home, the stench of booze hanging heavy in the air. “What the hell happened to your hair?” he grumbles, a slight slur to his voice, as Kasper grabs a water to bring to his room.

He's still in his suit, its usual crisp nature crumpled. His tie is so loose that it might as well be untied and his shoes have been kicked off haphazardly by the door.

“I cut it, like, 3 or 4 months ago," he answers plainly.

“What? Are you some kind of lesbo now?”

Breathing feels hard but he’s not binding. His chest is healing so he can do it safely one day. He shakes his head and his father proceeds on a rant. Of course this will be their first conversation that isn’t small talk since his mother left. He should have seen this coming. He has seen this coming. Honestly, it’s only upsetting him because he was in such a good mood minutes ago.

“So you just chose to act like this because? Are you doing this to spite me? Do you hate yourself? Do you know what people think when they see someone like you? She was right. You are too fucking stupid to survive.”

It feels like a slap to hear his dad echo his mother like this. He's not shocked that he'd do it, he's honestly been waiting for this, it simply hurts.

Kasper grits his teeth. “No, she wasn’t. I'm smarter than you think.”

He might not believe it but Damian does. Now, more than ever, he needs to hold onto that with all of his might. His mom is not right. She's not.

“You are, are you? Let’s take a look at your report card and see how wrong she was then," he mocks as he begins rifling through the mail to find it.

Perhaps she is right because he says it regardless of knowing it’s an awful idea. Kasper figures if his father wants to hate him then he'll give him the guiltlessly explainable reason that he's always wanted.

He yanks the mail out of his dad's hands and throws it at the ground with a skittering thwack. “I’m not gay, dad. I’m a guy. I'm transgender, a transgender man.”

His father looks him up and down. The laughter that erupts from his father utterly terrifies him and he takes a step back. It shuts off just as fast as it starts. “With all that pink bullshit? Please. That wasn't on me, kid. You’ve been choosing your clothes, your life, since you were 10."

Now that? That sets him off.

“8, actually, not that you’d care. I wanted to fit in and that’s how I did. I did it so long that now questioning what I want is hard because I stopped asking myself that long ago. Now I’m screwed because doing anything other than what’s expected from the popular girl gets noticed and disliked. Do you know anything about me other than what I look like? What do I like? What is my favorite food? Do you even know how old I am?”

“16,” his father scoffs.

“Wrong, asshole. I’m 17, 18 in, like, less than a month.”

His father chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief. “Get out.”

“Are you kicking me out?” he forces out nervously, only now realizing how bad of an idea that was.

He shakes his head, still laughing as he pours a very full glass of bourbon. “Course not, Karen. Jus' give me some time to think this over," he sighs as he stumbles to the living room, settling into his recliner and taking a swig of his drink.

Silence fills the house. The sound of Kasper's heavy breathing and the ice clinking in his father's glass become deafening in comparison. He stands in the kitchen doorway in shock, unable to absorb all of what just happened, of all that he just did.

"Go," he huffs, shooing him away.

He nods shakily. He knows it will make the situation worse but fuck it, it's all gone to hell anyways. "It's Kasper," he murmurs before he goes to his room.

Everything touching him stings and he can’t catch his breath. Angry tears pour down his face. He locks the door and sits on the ground behind the door. He hugs his knees to his chest, rocking himself ever so slightly.

His phone dings so damn loud that he almost chucks it. It dings again. He pulls it out of his back pocket and does his best to focus on the screen. It's texts that he can't read right now so he clumsily hits around on the contact for the call button, still gasping for air. “You left your bag in the car. Do you want us to turn around or bring it to you tom-” There’s a pause as Gretchen takes in the sound on his side- “Karen?”

He wants to scream. Being called that name with everything happening is just one thing too much. “No. K," he gasps out.

“K?”

“Call me K.”

“Okay, K. What’s wrong?” she whispers.

Her voice is quiet but still so loud, pounding through him. This isn’t right. Something is very wrong. Maybe it’s him.

“My dad... He’s... I'm stupid. She's right and I'm so fucking stupid. I don’t know. I can't...”

He hears keys jingling and 2 car doors close. He hears the doors in real life near his house. He realizes his friends have definitely turned around and came back. “Don’t knock. My window.”

He opens it and they crawl in silently. Regina goes to hug him and Gretchen grabs her shoulder. “Is touching you ok?”

He shakes his head, his face in his hands. "It hurts. I hurt," he sobs.

She sits them on the ground and starts telling him how to ground himself, breathing with him as she instructs. She's oddly calm through all of this. He slowly starts to relax and catch his breath, gasps for air less frequent and the hyperventilation over.

“How did you know how to do that?” he whimpers.

He can see in Gretchen's eyes that she's debating what to tell him but she puffs out her cheeks and tells him the truth. “I’ve had enough panic attacks to know some things that help.”

“You have?” Regina’s voice sounds small, embarrassed, ashamed.

Gretchen’s laugh is weak. “It’s not something I like to run around telling people.”

“But we aren’t "people", Gretch,” Regina says, flopping down by them.

“What do you mean we’re not people? Are you guys robots? Or werewolves?” Kasper asks, feigning confusion as a joke.

The girls give each other a glance to see if they should explain and he flashes them a messy smile with a trembling lower lip to let them know he’s kidding. “Can I ask what your dad did to trigger this?” Regina asks cautiously.

“Yes.”

They sit waiting for him to reply. “I said that you could ask me.”

“What did he do?”

“He thinks I look like a lesbian. He called me stupid and tried to show me my report card to prove me wrong for saying I wasn’t.”

Gretchen has to pin Regina to the ground so she doesn’t beat the ever-living shit out of his dad. They end up having a cuddle party in a cozy nest they make with his many blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals on the ground because his bed is too small to fit all of them comfortably. He chooses animated movies all night and they gladly let him.

After they leave, he texts Damian about what happened and promises to keep him posted on his home situation. Damian reminds him that his couch is always there if it's needed.

***

He knows he seems pathetic to the rest of the group but he can't be a peppy, little ball of sunshine every moment he exists. And being treated with kid gloves isn’t the worst thing when you feel absolutely awful. Gretchen sneaks in his window daily to keep him company the rest of the week. Whether it’s studying, bringing him homemade snacks, or just sitting quietly in case he wants to talk, she’s there for him.

He glances at the end of his bed where she’s sitting cross legged while reading. He catches her peeking at him to check that he’s ok. He sighs and sits up straighter. “You want to know what all of what happened," he speculates, more stating fact than asking a question.

“Only if you want to tell me," she says softly without judgement.

“You remember when we promised to be friends forever, right?” he asks.

She scoots forward until their knees touch and holds her pinkie out to him. He smiles and hooks his with hers. “I really need you to say if you do," he whispers.

“I do," she whispers back.

“Just remember that while I say this, ok?"

He waits for her to tell him that she will. He can proceed only after she nods, patiently waiting for him to be ready.

"Have you ever heard of... Who am I kidding? You’re so smart, of course you have. I think I’m trans. No, I don't think I am. I know I am.”

“Trans as in transgender?” she clarifies.

"Yeah. Did you know there's more options than turning into a girl?"

"I did. Can I know what pronouns you'd like me to use?" she asks, her lips tugging upwards briefly.

"I like guy pronouns like he or whatever but I don't know when you'd use them cuz, well," he trails off.

She easily reads what he means. "Regina?" she offers.

He nods in confirmation. "I take it your chosen name still has a K since that's what you've asked to be called?" she guesses.

"Kasper," he answers.

"Cute. It suits you well," she says, shooting him a smile as she looks him over.

"Yeah?" he blushes.

"Definitely," she nods.

"You don't think it sounds stupid because I use a K instead of C?"

"No, it fits. I love it," she replies.

She shifts forward slightly, leaning her forehead against his. "This could never make me love you any less, Kasper. You're not just my best friend. You are the best thing in my life," she whispers.

"I feel the same way. I mean, you're the best thing in my life too," he breathes.

His mouth turns into a sponge. He can't swallow. His heartbeat rips through him viciously. She's so close to him. He could close that distance and...

Nope. She's his friend. His very best friend. That's all. He can't ruin such a nice moment by kissing her. He might be a guy but that is exactly the type of guy he refuses to be. He's dealt with too many guys that treat friendship like a punch card for a date or worse, more than a date. He can't be like that for someone that means this much to him.

And why is he even thinking about kiss her? She is his friend and kissing her isn't something a friend would do.

Clearly, it's just the overwhelming sense of relief taking over, right? He doesn't really want to be, like, her boyfriend, right?

He decides to ignore how truly amazing the thought of being her boyfriend feels, instead soaking in the sweetness of the moment. He's not sure how much time passes but he sighs and pulls back. She looks him over again and tightens her grip on his pinkie as a grim look spreads across her face. “So, was that why your dad was upset as he was with you? Because you told him?” she asks.

He feels foolish for how fast his eyes begin to well up with tears but his eyes don't care that he doesn't want to cry. He nods again, hanging his head so she can't see how emotional he's getting. "Are things ok with you in this house?" she asks as she shifts her hand to hold his entire hand in hers.

"I don't know. I don't think they have been for a long time but this just-" His breath shudders as he searches for words. "I finally gave him permission to hate me. I know he's been looking for a reason since mom left. And yes, I have a backup plan for if this is not my home anymore."

She cups his cheek with her free hand and wipes away the tears she accidentally touched with her thumb. "Did he try to hurt you physically? I know he hurt you emotionally but did he try to do anything physically?"

He shakes his head quick and jerkily. "It's not like that," he mumbles, staring at the artful rips in Gretchen's jeans.

"Kasper, I need you to look at me. I need you to understand exactly how serious I am being right now,” she whispers.

He does and his heart aches at the concern on her face. "If he ever, and I mean ever, touches you then you come straight to me. No side stops, no 'it was once' or 'it wasn't that bad', no exceptions. I need you to promise me that. I will have the couch set up before you even get there and I promise you that I'll protect you," she whispers.

"I promise," he breathes.

"Can I confess something to you?" she asks, forcing her lips to twitch up into a smile. He can see the worry radiating off of her but pretends he doesn't.

"It's only fair," he shrugs, swiping at his eyes with the sides of his hands.

She stutters a few times before clearing her throat. "It wasn't Sonya. The person I have a crush on."

"I know. It's ok."

"You know?" she squeaks.

"I mean, I don't know who it is exactly but I know you good enough to catch onto when you lie. I just didn't want to scare you because if you don't want to tell me, it's ok."

"I talked to Janis and Damian by myself. I thought I was broken and they know more about things not so straight so I talked to them. They said what I described sounded like I was demisexual," she states robotically disconnected. "Do you know what that means?"

He nods slowly, scared that anything faster might spook her. She's got a deer in the headlights look going now and he doesn't want to make it worse. "Do you agree with that?" he asks.

"I think so," she whispers, terror beginning to seep into her voice.

"That means she's a lot closer than Sonya, huh," he speculates before realizing just how terrifying that statement must have sounded to someone who didn't seem to want to name a name. "Shit. Gretch, it's ok."

She stutters again, her hands clenching and unclenching, her foot moving under her like she's bouncing it beneath her. He squeezes her hand reassuringly. "I'm not going to force you to tell me. It's all in your time," he says.

"I'm sorry. I thought I could be fearless. You told me and I just... I'm sorry. I felt super guilty because I hate lying to you and I didn't think of what I was implying by coming out that far. I don't want to admit who yet because I'm still making sense of it and what loving them means. I'm sorry," she mumbles.

"Hey, it's ok," he smiles. "You want a hug?"

She launches herself at him hard enough that she tips him back. He wraps his arms around her as they reposition to snuggle and she clings onto him like she's afraid of letting go. Her breathing changes and he recognizes the pattern. It's a shakier version of when she was calming him down a couple nights ago. "Are you having a panic attack?" he murmurs.

"No," she lies.

"I'm sorry. Sometimes things just slip out before I can think them over," he whispers.

She trembles violently against him, her hands tightfisted clinging his sweater. "No, I'm sorry. This shouldn't be happening in front of you. You shouldn't see me like this," she whimpers.

His eyebrows knit together. "How often does this happen that I don't see?"

She just shakes her head, burying her face on his shoulder. "I can't believe it. I can't be like this in front of people. They'd never... Love... I can't... Fuck," she gasps out as she begins to hyperventilate worse than before.

"You can be loved through this, Gretch. You're safe. I've got you," he murmurs, running his fingers through her hair.

Gretchen shoves him off and gets up. She begins pacing back and forth across his room as tears streaming down her face. "Get it together, get it together, get it together, shit, you're ok," she mumbles.

He stands up, watching her speedy unraveling. He wonders just how many times this happens with no one who loves her being none the wiser. He holds his palms out at her. "Gretch, what do I do? I don't know how to help," he asks terrified.

She waves away his hand agitatedly. "Nothing. Just give me a sec," she snips, taking a shaky breath.

He sits on the edge of his bed, helplessly watching his friend soothe herself. And then it's over. She wordlessly clears her throat and wipes at her face, smearing the little bit of makeup she wore that day.

Is this why she's been so minimal with it these days? She used to go all out but not anymore really. Why hasn't he asked about that? He noticed but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable if that's what she preferred.

"I'm so sorry. That wasn't meant to be witnessed," she sighs heavily.

He shakes his head in shock, stuttering nothing in particular. He has no clue how to reply, how to begin to apologize for remaining as stupid as he did, how to make this ok, how to comprehend how awful suffering through this alone must have been.

He can't do anything but look at her in horrible, gut churning awe that even he, the empath of their group, never so much as suspected how bad it was.

"You look guilty," she whispers, sitting next to him.

"When did this start? How did I not notice?" he asks.

"No, no, no. Don't do this to yourself, sweetie. You not noticing is on me and being really good at acting like things are ok."

“So a long time. 6 months? Shorter? Longer?” he asks.

Gretchen presses her lips together, unable to look over at him. So that's a longer than 6 months.

"I've done a lot to make sure people don't see this and don't know, I've spent so much time hiding this. I really... This isn't your fault," she answers.

"But I'm not them. I know you. I should have known. I'm sorry I've failed you so badly," he whines.

"No," she snaps. "No, sweetie, you've never failed me. Don't you dare think that. It's been my choice to hide this. It started the day of Regina's accident. Sure, I was high strung before that but that was the day that I had my first panic attack. Little things set them off after that. A test here, a burnt cookie there. Ashley caught me having one sometime in the summer and tattled. I had an appointment with a therapist the next day. My dad might be stern but he's not going to mess around with mental illness. So we've talked out some grounding techniques and I'm on some meds to help level things out."

"Why didn't you tell me? Like, you didn't have to but I'm your friend and I love you. Did you think I was going to judge you after all we've been through together?" he asks quietly.

She shrugs, laying her head on his shoulder after. "No. I just... I was embarrassed I couldn't handle it by myself and then I found ways to deal so I didn't see a point since they weren't nearly daily after that," she mumbles.

He knows it's bad but it still shoots out before he can think better of it. "Nearly daily?" he asks, his voice raising in shock.

Gretchen nods slowly, her cheeks redder than before. "The only days I wasn't were days I was with you. You have a calming effect on me. Maybe it was knowing that I'd be with someone that is almost incapable of thinking anything negative of me. Actually, that's probably it," she admits.

"I'm glad I can help then," he says, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

She holds the hand draped over her shoulder, kissing his knuckles softly. His cheeks flush. He squeezes her shoulder gently. "So this isn't going to be weird now, right? Like, it won't be worried grit teeth emoji or whatever to be touchy feely now that I'm a guy?" he asks.

"As long as you're comfortable with it, I am. Nothing changed. You just realized something about yourself that I didn't know prior," Gretchen shrugs, pulling his arm further around her.

"Would we do this if I was a boy when we met?" he asks, fully knowing he's overthinking it but not being able to stop it as easily.

She sits silently, looking at the pictures of them that are plastering his walls so thickly they can barely see the lavender paint underneath. "I don't know. I'd like to think so since we met in Kindergarten but I doubt it would have lasted until now," she admits. "Do you regret your childhood being so..."

Pretty. Pink. Feminine. Girly. He knows every word she's thinking but afraid to offend him with. He gets what she means and takes none.

"No. It was fun. I mean, I don't regret it but I still feel cheated out of some things, you know? Like, I'm pretty, I like being pretty and I always have. Being a boy and liking pretty things as I grew up wouldn't have been easy but this isn't easy either," he says, gesturing broadly at his entire body.

"I can get that. I feel like you didn't have the right words to figure things out," she guesses.

"Yeah, plus being a guy would be so much easier. Seeing girls that wished that made me think it was just a thing that girls did. Like, all girls want to be guys so hating being called miss instead of mister makes sense, right? I mean, makes a lot more sense when you're trans but my point still sits."

"Your point stands, sweetie, and I agree. I get you," she corrects.

"But my case was rested," he gripes.

"Argument allowed," Gretchen giggles. "So, wanna grab some Taco Bell?"

Kasper grins at her. "Heck yeah. It's on me for all you've done this week."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Underage Drinking, Misgendering of a Trans Person Pre Coming Out, Unsafe Binding Mention

He asks his father if he's kicked out daily for over a week. The only thing that makes him stop asking is his father leaving on a business trip.

It's a day before Kasper's birthday and he suspects that there's a reason this business trip is totally unmissable today. His dad wants to avoid him and he doesn't blame him. He's glad this trip is as necessary as his father views it to be so he doesn't make him feel weird or guilty about not wanting to be near his own child on his birthday.

His father waits by the door for him before he leaves. He tells him that he’s still processing and thinking about what to do about their situation but he's absolutely sure that he'll never even consider disowning him. He apologizes for making him think otherwise.

The older man clears his throat uncomfortably before he hands him a gift with a card labeled "Casper" taped to it, kisses his forehead, and says he’ll be back in a few days.

Kasper slides it in his bag and thanks him. He smiles to himself once the door closes behind his dad because, maybe, if his dad got him something, he might actually care about him.

***

He gets to Regina’s house first and Mrs. George gushes about his haircut and how handsome he’s become. He looks at her, confusion filling his face.

Does she know? How would she have found out?

“Oh. Is handsome outdated for tomboys?” she asks.

Kasper opens his mouth to answer her when Regina comes out of her room. “Stop harassing K, mom," she teases lightheartedly. She walks up to him and hugs him tight. “Happy birthday.”

Without fail, no matter what, Regina has remembered his birthday every year she’s known him and it feels amazing that she hasn’t forgotten once yet. He can’t help but fear he gets every year that this might be the one she will forget.

It’s not even that he wants gifts or a party or anything. He just wants to know that he is viewed as important enough to remember. “You remembered.”

He knows what’s coming because she says it every year but he still loves hearing it, even if it’s a little bit mean. “Of course I remembered. Why wouldn’t I?”

He grins even bigger. This is the first year she didn’t add a dumbass to the end of it. “Hey mom, can we please have a cooler or 2 tonight? We want to celebrate her birthday right,” Regina asks politely.

Mrs. George takes a small mixing bowl out of the cupboard and puts it on the counter. They know the drill so they put their keys in. “Thanks mom," she says, kissing her cheek.

“I’m not sure we’ll have enough for everyone so do you have any requests?”

“Something watermelon?” Kasper asks.

Mrs. George nods, caressing his cheek like he’s seen her do to Regina. “Of course. I’ll grab some on my way home from dropping Kylie off at Jennifer’s, ok?”

“Sounds great, mom.”

Once her mom wanders off, she takes Kasper to her room.

“Does your sister have a weekly thing with her friends like us?” he asks happily.

“No. I suspect mom knew we’d want to drink this time and that Kylie would want to hang with the cool kids. She doesn’t want to give the literal child booze or make her feel left out because she will be the only one not able to drink with us. I feel kinda bad but it’s also your birthday so not as bad as I could. So, you’re 18 now! What will you do with this new freedom?”

He shrugs. The new freedom is mainly to enlist in the army, buy lotto tickets or have sex. He lost his virginity at 14 so not a big deal there. War is horrific and lotto tickets are a waste of paper since he thinks that praying for luck is dumber than himself.

Though, turning 18 means he can make medical and legal choices so he could start hormones and legally change his name. Not something he wants to get into with her yet so he changes the subject slightly.

He points at the clock. “Not yet.”

Regina rolls her eyes jokingly. “Less than 8 hours from. Close enough.”

"Nothing, probably. I'm more excited that my dad got me a gift. Like, a real gift," he shrugs, sliding it out of his bag and showing her.

"I'll be fucked. It's even wrapped," Regina scoffs.

He grins at her reaction. "I want to wait for my actual birthday to open it," he says.

Regina understands and hangs out with him until people start showing up. Gretchen is the last to show up, however, she comes in with a decorated cake with emojis and roses artfully placed on it, explaining her lateness with a single glance at the cake.

He thanks her repeatedly and keeps complimenting it. “Don’t give me too much credit. My dad helped me bake it. I had help baking literally from the inventor of toaster strudels.”

“Fuck that shit. Did you frost it?” Janis asks loudly.

Gretchen blushes and shrugs. “Yeah," she whispers bashfully.

“It’s so pretty! I thought a store or expert did it!” Damian squeals.

“It pisses me off. It looks amazing and I’m jealous of that raw fucking talent, dude, Jesus Christ,” Janis exclaims, inspecting the absolutely perfect flowers.

Gretchen dips her head, smiling wide. Kasper hugs her so hard she lets out a tiny oof. They order some pizza and Regina tells them they’ve been okayed to drink if they surrender their keys. “Thank fuck cuz...” Janis grabs a large bottle of vodka from her bag with a mischievous smirk.

Cady’s jaw drops. “That’s illegal, Janis!”

“All cops are bastards, Caddy!”

Cady huffs yet puts her house key in the bowl. He doesn’t think she gets what the bowl is for since she has no car or even a license but she’s got the right spirit so he doesn't say anything.

Clearly the law isn’t as strict in her mind as she acts like she believes it is since she is the second to start drinking after Janis. He thinks it’s funny but leaves her be.

***

He's glad he told them no gifts this year because this is more than good enough. This is all he really wanted. His friends together, having a fun time on account of him.

Still, he won't lie, the cake and alcohol were a nice touch. It was also cool to have the incontestable choice on what movie they watch.

He picks Mulan and Janis and Regina hold back their groans about it being a Disney movie for him. He knows they secretly liked it, regardless of their usual protests.

It might be the alcohol in their systems or them just having a genuinely good time that brings their guards down, but they loudly sing along to every song. He won't make them admit it but he knows they had a good time too.

Damian loves it like he usually does when it comes to Disney. Cady is watching it for the first time since it's not The Lion King and they haven't watched it as a group yet. She seems to enjoy it, judging she bobs her head to the music.

Gretchen snuggles up to him under a thick blanket they grabbed from Regina's bed. He slides his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer. Her skin is cold but he doesn't mind. He wants to help warm her up. "Was the cake really as good as you guys were saying? I know it looked okay but it wasn't that great. It's not what you deserved,” she whispers.

"What do you mean by that?" he frowns.

Gretchen looks at him, opening her mouth and inhaling. She shakes her head and looks back at the tv. "Never mind. Let's just watch the movie."

Kasper grabs her icy hand under the blanket and she gasps softly. "Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. And thumbs up emoji, the cake was amazing. Def better than I deserved. Thank you."

She shrugs bashfully, with a blush and a grin, leaning her head against his shoulder. He leans his head against hers as the 2 tipsy singing girls on the floor in front of them scream Girl Worth Fighting For.

***

By the time they start up with the drinking games, they all at least slightly inebriated. Cady can’t stop giggling and keeps spouting off random facts about Africa. Janis is cuddling up to a very stiff Regina and clinging to her like one of those stuffed animals with the long arms and velcro paws.

Damian keeps bursting out High School Musical songs then stopping to complain that real high school is nothing like that. Kasper giggles at the commentary. Gretchen has gotten even quieter than her usual drunk and curled into herself instead of trying to snuggle someone like she usually would do in this state of drunkenness.

Kasper can’t tell if she’s drunker than usual or not as drunk as she usually gets but he senses that something’s a bit off. They agree on Truth or Dare but if you refuse, you drink. It doesn’t involve a lot of drinking this time since they’re mostly too drunk to fear shame.

“Truth or dare, Gina?” Janis bubbles out with a crooked grin when her 7th turn to challenge rolls around.

“Dare.”

“Kiss me.”

Regina takes the shot and refills it. Janis looks deeply disappointed but says nothing.

“Truth or dare, Kare?” She clears her throat uncomfortably. “Right, K, not Kare.”

“Truth.”

“Do you like anyone? Like, romantically?” she asks, preening clumsily before resting her head on her hand.

“I have no clue,” he giggles.

He’s still struggling with being a guy.

Janis’s head perks up and Damian reaches over, offering a hand to hold. What’s going on? Not having a crush isn’t end of the world. “Sweetie?” Gretchen’s mousy voice inquires.

“What?”

“You just said you’re struggling with being a guy,” Regina answers blankly.

He laughs nervously. “No. I didn’t say that. I just thought it.”

It strikes him that, no, he didn’t think that the moment that bubbles out. He leans back on the ground. Fuck, he feels sick. “I didn’t, did I?”

“No, sweetie,” Gretchen replies, reaching out her hand as well.

“That’s why you’ve asked us to call you K, right?” Cady whispers gently as if she's afraid he’ll start crying.

“Yeah. I hope that’s ok.”

Regina sits silently, deep in her thoughts as she stares at the wall. He sits up slowly and nudges her. “'Reg?”

“Who are you?” she snips, not looking at him.

The confused agitation that is written all over her face chills him to the bone. What does she mean? He's still who he was.

He stands up wobbly, getting ready to go if she gets angry. “Don’t leave. Who are you, K?”

“Your best friend since Preschool?”

He hates that it came out as a question. Their friendship isn't in question, or at least he hopes it isn't.

The drunken cogs of her brain are having a hard time figuring out how to ask what she wants to know. “No, like, what do I call you?” she bites her lip and bounces excitedly while pointing up at him when the best version of the question comes to her. “Your dude name? Do you have a new name picked?”

“Kasper. Like, with a K cuz I love my K,” he shrugs.

“I love Kasper more than Karen,” she says with a sure nod.

“I’m the same person,” he says defensively.

Regina shakes her head. “You’re fearless in a way Karen never was.”

She sloppily kisses his cheek and Gretchen scowls. He wonders why she’s upset. It’s not like Janis kissed him but thinking of. “Janis?”

“Yeah?”

“Truth or dare?”

Damian groans jokingly. “She just went!”

“Why is there a problem? She’s gonna pick you,” Cady points out.

Janis grins. “Tea! Dare, Kas.”

“Dare you to tell Regina how you truly feel about her.”

He instantly regrets the dare for Gretchen’s sake yet she doesn’t seem too bothered. Just rather nervous. Though, her concern doesn't even come close to the pure terror on Regina's face.

He's never seen her so utterly human with her sharp, fast breathing and tightly clenched fists. Janis can be a loose cannon and, if you think she's upset with you, that can be a scary thing.

Quite frankly, he's only doing this because he's not sure if he can handle one more rant about fishnets and short shorts being the death of Regina or "totally artistic" conversation on different pinks that always route to Regina despite it "definitely" not being about her crush on her. He loves both of them but he needs them together because not telling them about what the other has told him in confidence is killing him.

Janis looks into her eyes lazily. “You’re so fucking pretty. Like, unbelievably pretty. Like, it's hard to hate you because you’re so pretty, pretty. I find myself painting with pink because I can't get you out of my mind. I understand if you don’t want an art freak like me but I wanna go out with you and kiss you and hold your hand and...”

Regina cut her off with a kiss.

Shouts and jeers ricochet off the walls and end the kiss sooner than either wanted but they agree to talk this out more when they’re sober. Regina is no longer stiff with Janis’s cuddliness and lets her practically sit on her lap.

They keep playing until Cady conks out, laying her head on Damian’s lap, and Gretchen quits due to an upset stomach. Regina looks at the clock and points.

It’s nearly 2. Now he’s 18.

“Didn’t you say you were waiting until midnight for that gift?” Regina asks, looking at him on the ground from her bed. Janis mumbles something into her neck while dozing off, burying her face.

“She’d never say yes, hm?” he teases.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re smarter than anyone gives you credit for. Now go grab the wonder box-gift that your dad got you without being reminded for once in his sad, miserable life.”

Kasper teeters to his bag as quickly as he safely can and grabs the gift with a huge grin on his face. He opens the card first. It’s a leftover ambiguous winter holiday card his dad got for his employees. The blank inside is covered with his father’s thick, blocky lettering.

_I shouldn't have reacted to what you told me the way I did. I was drunk and it was wrong of me. I didn’t truly realize how harmful my behavior was to you or how much I had affected you until your friends with marched into my office and told me._

_I'm glad that they did put me in my place because I deserved to be after how I’ve treated you. You’ve looked so much like your mother and it hurt to see her in you so I avoided you. When I saw you with your new haircut, it stung worse than seeing her in you because that meant she was gone for good._

_I lashed out and hurt you. I never meant to treat you like you were anything less than who you are._

_I am sorry for making you feel like I hated you. I never have. I knew she didn’t want kids when we were dating. Her not wanting you is on me. I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered through due to our bullshit. She didn’t want kids and I did. I should have thought that out further than I did._

_I’m thankful to see that you have such solid friendships with people that care so much about you. They have helped you and kept you safe in all the ways that I should have._

_I’ll admit that I haven’t been that much of a dad for you but I want to change. I want to be a good dad. Please give me a chance to prove that I can be. This won't be easy but I hope, to you, it's worth a try._

_Love you, kid_

_Ps. I looked at your report card. You are right. I should have never doubted you._

“I’m gonna puke,” Cady groans, yanking Kasper from yet another reread.

Damian pulls his hands back from her hair. “Not in my lap!” he shouts.

She glances up at him. “Not in your lap,” she says before falling asleep again.

Regina laughs at Damian who is still clutching his chest. “Thought she really would,” he sighs relieved.

Kasper slides a finger under the wrapper and opens it slowly, hands shaking from fear. He finds a bottle of cologne with a pastel pink pretied bowtie strapped around it.

A deep sense of thankfulness washes over him. Thankfulness for the acceptance. Thankfulness for friends that love him. Thankfulness for a dad that wants to but doesn’t know how. Damian grins at him. "Nice cologne,” he says, his words mashing together.

Wait a moment... The letter kept mentioning his friends talking to him. Janis or Regina are the only ones bold enough to go out of their ways to put someone right. Regina absolutely would have ranted about it so that leaves the single brain in 2 bodies.

"You talked to my dad. When?”

“The day after you called. Jan came over to bring me a painting when I was telling my mama that you might need the couch. She flipped her shit and said she’d go with or without me, but with might help. Trust me, it did because she nearly punched him. Taking the nonviolent position, especially in public, is the better option if you hate cops.”

"Of course she did," Regina snorts, slurring her words even worse than earlier.

"Fuck off. I accomplished my mission," Janis huffs, nearly asleep.

"You definitely did. Good job, you tough badass," Regina chuckles, messing with the punk's short side shave.

Damian laughs quietly and nudges Kasper. "Bed time for me, bud. I need some sleep. Goodnight, love you,” he says, pulling back the covers on Regina’s ginormous bed.

Kasper nods and lays on top of his sleeping bag. He closes his eyes, listening to the soft noise of rain playing on Regina's noisemaker.

Damian flops down next to his best friend. Regina smiles and nods at him before she turns off the light and snuggles in on the other side of a very unconscious Janis.

A blanket gets pulled over him and a familiar tiny body presses against his side. Long hair tickles his nose as Gretchen lays her head on his shoulder.

"Happy birthday, Kasper.”

There’s a soft kiss placed on his jaw, then another to the corner of his mouth. His body heats up and he ignores the placement of kisses.

She's just drunk. She clearly didn't mean to kiss him kiss him. She missed his cheek because she's clumsy from the alcohol.

"Love you,” she mumbles.

She tucks her face down under his chin and he kisses the top of her head like he would when they snuggled as kids. It feels different this time and he wants to ask she feels it too. "I love you too,” he whispers.

He figures he decipher what kind of love he feels for her later, when he's not all drunk and hazier than even his normal haze. She’s an affectionate drunk. That's all he needs to know for now.

He pulls her close and runs his fingers through her hair, only stopping when he hears her soft snore and dozes off quickly after.

***

His body is stiff and heavy when Gretchen shifts against him. She pokes his belly gently.

"Kasper, wake up."

He yawns, looking at Gretchen who is staring at him. He rubs at his readjusting eyes and sees her smile through the dark. "What's up?" he asks.

She presses her finger to her lips and motions to follow her before standing. They wander out to the kitchen and Gretchen beelines to her backpack. She grabs a pristinely wrapped package from it.

The perfect nature of the wrapping is so totally Gretch that he can hardly handle how precious it is. "Now I know you said no gifts this year but it's me we’re talking about sooo-“ she trails off, holding it out to him.

Kasper gapes, turning it over in his hands a few times. "Thank you."

"You don't even know what it is,” she says, nudging him gently. "Now open it."

He slides his finger under the paper slowly so he doesn't get the paper all over. He doesn't want to make a mess and get in trouble. If it annoyed his mother, then it probably annoys others too. He doesn't want to be annoying.

He takes off the top of the box under the paper and sees silky, pale tan cloth inside. "You didn't,” he whispers excitedly as he pulls the binder out.

"I didn't step over any boundaries, did I? Onyx said I wouldn't regardless since we were so close but there was a huge debate online whether it's like a bra or a shirt and I don't want it to be weird or whatever. I just don't want you doing it unsafely but I understand if I-" Gretchen babbles until Kasper hugs her tightly.

"Thank you. How did you even know about these? I mean, you're smart but this doesn't seem like your sort of smart area,” he asks as he checks the size, which seems to be correct.

She hums, rubbing at her neck bashfully. "Area of expertise, sweetie. And my sister. Well, technically my sister's roommate. Ashley’s roomie is nonbinary and comes home for the holidays with her. Their family disowned them so they've spent the past 3 Thanksgivings and Hanukkahs at my house. I may or may not have been texting them for info on how to be as accepting as possible, what questions to not ask, what not to do, etcetera, etcetera. Most was self-explanatory like use the right name and pronouns but some stuff I didn't know. I'm glad they taught me about binding, especially since all that I thought I knew on that was incorrect."

He smirks at her. "Mulan?" he guesses.

"Yes,” she giggles.

"How are you so wonderful?" he asks. The booze that remains in his system is keeping his lips loosened because he isn’t thinking things out before they escape. "I'm really happy that I have a safe one now because Janis would kill me if I wore mummy bandages again."

Her eyes widen in panic. "What? Again? When did you use ace wrap? Did you get hurt? Are you ok?"

"Yea. It's mostly healed so I'm ok. It happened that time Janis gave me her jacket in Target. It's all chill though. The bruising is gone and the little pit cuts are kinda puffy but no more scabs. Totally sunglasses emoji."

The horror written on her face signals that he probably shouldn't have explained this further. "I'm sorry but it cut you?" she squeaks.

"Yeah, it's rough so the fraction made it cut me,” he shrugs.

"The fraction? Wait. Friction?" Gretchen clarifies.

"Yeah, that."

He can see things moving quickly through her head, her breaths shorter. She closes her eyes for a few seconds and slows her breathing. "You didn't break anything, right? No pain now that it's healed? You can breathe ok?" she asks once she can slow her thoughts.

"Yes. I'm ok. I didn't do it for long. Thank you for everything tonight. You are too good for me."

"Hush. Happy birthday, sweetie," Gretchen whispers as she kisses his cheek lightly.

Kasper flushes cherry red. "Happy birthday,” he stumbles, smacking himself internally the second those words come out.

What’s going on? What’s going on? Why does this feel so... What’s the word? Is there a word?

It earns her sweet giggle regardless and she speckles light kisses around his nose and cheeks. "You're so handsome," she murmurs, leaning against him.

"You're pretty too,” he stutters. He sees that her next kiss is aimed at his lips so he turns his head, letting it hit his cheek. "And still very drunk."

Why does he feel sad that he didn’t let her kiss him? Is it normal to kiss your friends on the lips? She’s drunk so it doesn’t mean anything, right? His mind races as fast as his pulse.

Gretchen looks in his eyes and he swears he sees the same look that Janis made when Regina turned down her dare. Guilt bubbles in his gut for wishing he hadn't moved but he couldn't let her do that in her state. She was drunk enough to feel sick earlier. He wonders if she'll even remember doing this tomorrow. He catches her swaying when she steps back and grabs her biceps to steady her. "You're right. We should go back to bed. I just wanted to give you your present since it's your birthday now,” she mumbles, leading the way back to Regina's room.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm just really tired, sweetie. Don't worry."

He knows she's lying and he knows she knows he knows she's lying but they both say nothing about it, settling back in for the night. He thinks he might have heard a sniffle before he falls asleep but he's not sure he did.

***

He wakes again to a quiet whimpering that vibrates against his collarbone which makes him peek an eye open. Gretchen has her face down on his shoulder to hide from the light that's beginning to stream in the window. Regina and Damian are still in the bed, cuddled up to either side of Janis who is currently on her belly. Cady is gone so he looks around the room. “Stop moving, Karen,” she groans.

He bites his lip, debating whether to speak up since she's clearly hungover and he came so recently that he can't blame her.

“Kasper.” Cady is standing in the doorway with a bowl in clutch and a blanket around her shoulders.

She wanders in and flops down, resting against Regina’s bed. He nods at her slightly. She just gives him a weak thumbs up and leans her head back. Gretchen perks up and looks up at him. She clutches onto his shirt tightly as she stabilizes herself. “Sorry, sweetie. Stop moving, Kasper,” she mumbles, dropping back down against him.

The girl whimpers again and curls into him, somehow managing to get closer yet. He’s pretty sure if she gets any closer, she'll be laying completely on top of him. “Why are you up, Cady?” Gretchen asks grumpily.

“Drunk and hungover,” she forces through grit teeth. “My head is pounding but nothing is staying down so up I stay.”

“Join the misery party,” she offers and Cady snuggles up behind her gladly. “You’re dead if you barf on me. I will sic Regina on you.”

“Noted,” Cady grunts.

***

The next time he wakes up, it's to the loud click of a phone camera. Damian is standing above them and taking pictures. “My children are the sweetest,” he whispers to Janis before he notices Kasper looking up at him. Damian waggles his fingers at him playfully.

“I think Gretch and Cady are super hungover,” Kasper informs them.

“Knowing Caddy and her stomach for alcohol, she’s gotta be pretty fucked up right now,” Janis offers, peeking off the edge of Regina’s bed.

She gets pulled back and cackles. “Jay, sweetie, darling, please. Just because you can drink like an Irishman who just lost his job, doesn’t mean we all can,” Regina moans, clearly doing her best to not fall into bitch mode.

“Fine.” There’s a moment of silence followed by Damian covering his eyes dramatically.

“There are children, here, in this very room,” he whines.

A pillow flies off the bed and hits him in the face the second he uncovers his face. “Nice shot,” Janis chuckles lowly, more aware of her volume.

***

Getting up is slow for the gang and Kasper doesn’t want to force people. He isn’t really hungover but those are rare for him and he has to be blackout drunk to get one. Still, he knows how they feel and can’t hurt his friends like that. He changes partly into normal clothes, elated that his binder makes him as flat as it does.

"Fuck yeah, bro!" Janis shouts when he enters the kitchen and holds his palms out to make it clear he wanted people to look.

Gretchen and Cady wince to the exclamation.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Regina groans before gulping down her entire mug of coffee and pours another cup.

“Where is the binder from?" Janis is clearly not trying to keep her friends if their reactions to her volume are anything to judge by. Cady flicks her nose but they look over at him.

He points Gretchen, who looks down with a blush. "Just thought it could be useful.”

Gretchen grins and hugs him tightly. "You're so handsome,” she murmurs in his ear.

Last night rushes back to him but he doesn't dare bring it up. Gretchen was very drunk and if she isn't asking or talking him about what it all meant then he's going to safely assume it was nothing more than a drunken whim. If it meant something, she'd be shaken up, yet here she stands in front of him all proud and giggly. It's as if nothing happened but he knows it did. He knows it wasn't a dream. He knows his best friend almost kissed him on the lips.

Gretchen brings him back to the present day, brushing a lock of his hair away from his eye. "I'm glad you like it.”

"I really, really do. Thank you so much," Kasper whispers back.

She nods at him certainly. "Anything for you, sweetie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	4. Chapter 4

Gretchen offers to host their Halloween party and the whole group jumps on it. After the success that was Kasper’s birthday cake, they were more than ready to see what else she could do if giving the chance.

Kasper is a bit worried about it being at Gretchen's house since her dad is super stern and he can't read that man to save his life but she assures him that he is gone for the entire weekend. That calms him a lot more.

He offers to go earlier to help and she accepts his help the second he does. He knows that party planning can't be easy on her anxiety.

She sighs with relief when she opens the door. "Thank you. I am so overwhelmed,” she huffs out speedily.

"So how do you need me to help?" he asks as he removes his and puts it it the closet.

"Do you want to grab as many blankets, pillows, cushions, and beanbags as you can find and make a nest in the living room? Oh, and also hang up those pumpkin lights?" Gretchen requests.

Kasper gets on that while his friend cooks, occasionally peeking at Gretchen. She looks happy, despite the stress that comes with all the multitasking she’s being made to do with the food. She seems in her element, like she's at ease for once. He finds himself constantly distracted by her, looking away and busying himself every time she checks on him. "Need help in there?" he asks hopefully.

There's another knock on the door before she can answer. It's far too early for the party to be starting but Cady has come over too. She apparently offered up some help too.

Cady is asked to help her cook instead of him.

Kasper forces down his disappointment that Cady is intruding on their bonding time. He ignores his jealousy of the fact that Cady is more trusted by Gretchen. At least, she trusts her more when it comes to cooking because he offered first.

He knows it's irrational to feel like she thinks he’s stupid and think that that’s why he didn’t end up being the one she asked to be in the kitchen with her. He can't be upset at Cady, she’s simply being nice, but something uncontrollable burns in him.

He shakes it off and finishes the tasks he was assigned. He can't deal with dissecting those feelings now.

Once most of the food is made and decorations are put up around the 2 rooms they'll be in, Cady goes to the bathroom to change into her costume and Gretchen goes to her room. Kasper ends up with Gretchen in her room while she changes and does her makeup. She's in grey tank top, ripped jeans, and red knee-high boots. He can't help the dry sponge his mouth has turned into as he watches her transform into Marceline the Vampire Queen.

Has she always been this pretty? He knows she has been but why is it so distracting lately? Why is it so hard to look away?

She turns to him and he's sure that she caught him staring. She turns back to her mirror, applying an ashy white paint to her face. "Thought we weren't making this weird now that I know you're a guy,” she teases while peeking at him with her mirror and catches him still looking at her.

"We're not," Kasper protests.

"Ah. So it's normal to watch me change instead of changing too?" she quips.

It’s playful and almost feels like flirting. It feels good. Frighteningly good.

Kasper blushes and begins to changes into his costume. This year, he's put some more effort into his costume. Today's the day he gets to be someone else but stay hot.

He picked Gaston since no one beats his hotness. He even gets a song declaring that. He gets an actual costume rather than using lingerie. The cheap fabric isn't entirely awful and it looks alright so he's down with it.

"I’m awe and inspired by you,” Gretchen quotes to him without looking away from the mirror as she adds bite marks on her neck.

"It’s not very hard to see why,” he grins, flexing his nonexistent muscles.

Kasper’s smile droops momentarily. "Hey, Gretch?" Fear flashes in his friend's eyes so he needs to ask quickly. "Why did Cady come early? I thought this was going to be just us."

"She offered too. I didn't think you'd have a problem. Has something happened between the 2 of you?"

"No. Just... Haven't had a lot of time to hang out with you mano e womano since we came out to each other. I'm glad you had more help than me but I miss us time, you know?” he shrugs.

She gasps, her hands flying over her mouth. "I'm sorry. We should hang out, just the 2 of us again. We will do it soon, ok?" she proposes, holding his hands gently.

"Ok."

***

Cady knocks on Gretchen's door and wanders in. She is dressed a lot more punk than usual, paired with a long, blue wig. She flops down on one of the dining room chairs and grins at them. "I'm glad that I don't have to dress in a way that makes me uncomfortable this year."

Kasper smiles and adjusts his binder so everything looks more natural. "Same. Hey, Cady?"

“Yes?”

"Who are you? Like, your costume,” he asks.

"Evie from Descendants."

"Yesss! I knew you looked familiar!" Kasper squeals excitedly. Cady giggles at his reaction. “That’s one of the best Disney Channel movies! I didn’t know you liked it too!”

“Yeah! I’ve finally gotten to movies that aren’t The Lion King I really liked it and she my favorite VK so...”

Kasper bobs his head happily and starts discussing the series with her until the others get there. The doorbell rings a few minutes later and Gretchen answers it. Regina, Damian, and Janis all arrive together.

Damian is dressed up as JD, Janis as Veronica Sawyer, and Regina as Heather Chandler. “Who picked that costume?” Cady joshes.

“Hm. No clue. Couldn’t possibly been the theater kid.” Regina retorts.

Kasper giggles. “It suits you well though. What’s the plan, Gretch?”

“Since Cady said she wanted to trick or treat, I say we do that after dinner?”

Cady lights up at the mere mentioning of trick or treating for the first time. Damian mama hens her into finishing her meal because she keeps getting distracted. Kasper finds it sweet that she’s so excited. He’s certain he’d be the same way if he had never been before.

He notices Gretchen mumbling out a conversation with Regina and he steps closer. “And I don’t want that to be smashed,” Gretchen utters lowly.

“You think Janis will allow that to happen?” Regina asks calmly.

“No. That’s another part of what I’m afraid of.”

“I will keep her under control. If, not when, if anyone says anything, we will assure her that it’s fine, and move to the next house. It will be ok.”

“What’s wrong?” Kasper whispers.

“She’s afraid that people will think we’re too old to be trick or treating.” Regina answers.

“So what? There are worse things for people our ages to do tonight,” Kasper replies.

“I just... I don’t know.” Gretchen rubs her arm anxiously.

“You don’t want to return the favor of the candy cane grams because you know she’s just as fragile as you?” Kasper guesses. Her mouth gapes slightly and she nods mutely. “Then she’s got you on her side. She’ll be fine.”

“Guyssss! Let’s get going!” Cady bursts once her plate is finished.

“Ready?” Regina asks.

“Ready!” the room calls out.

***

It goes smoothly. Most of Gretchen’s neighbors recognize her and like her so they don’t say anything. Cady bounces from house to house joyously as her candy sack fills.

Kasper enjoys seeing how it brings out the inner kid in everyone. Even Gretchen seems to be acting like a child with it.

They don’t do it for very long to be sure they aren’t taking too much from the actual children doing it. Only 2 or 3 blocks but, oh, is Cady is ever thankful for that much even.

Once they get back, Janis suggests doing the age-old tradition of dump and trade which they do to keep Cady in on the entire experience. She is in heaven and Kasper sneaks a couple extra pieces in her pile when she’s not looking. Janis winks at him as he places another caramel on her stack. He places a finger on his lips in a hush signal and she nods at him with a cheeky smirk.

Gretchen suggests a movie next so they pack their candy back into their bags to free up their sitting space again. Damian and Janis insist on watching a horror movie since it’s Halloween and that’s fits the theme of this holiday.

Gretchen and Kasper snuggle up on the couch while the rest are in the pillow and bean bag nest beneath them. Gretchen wraps a blanket around the two of them, causing him to snuggle even closer to her.

Kasper is not one to enjoy horror movies and tonight is no exception. He has no clue what's going on in the movie because ever since the first murder, he's had his face buried against Gretchen's shoulder. She's warm and squishy and holding him tightly and everything feels less scary with her.

After a while of it playing, loud screams begin again and then disappear just as fast. "Jay, sweetheart, darling, you know my feelings for you are immense but what the ever-living fuck are we watching?" Regina's voice inquires in a sickly sweet, fake tone.

"A vertical bisection?"

"Not anymore."

"But this is the goriest part, the BEST part!" Janis complains.

"And you've ruined a perfectly good himbo. Look, he's got anxiety." Regina fires back.

"Boo.” He hears her give a heavy, put-upon sigh. “Fine, change it."

"Is it over?" Kasper whispers.

"Yes. The killjoys are picking something else." Janis sighs, unamused.

He peeks out and sees the Netflix home screen. Regina shoots daggers at her in a glare. "No one except you was enjoying that one. So, Gretch, it's your house. What are we watching?"

"We have both live action Scooby Doo movies. What about that?"

No one really disagrees and Kasper’s body loosens. His jaw throbs slightly from clenching it in fear but he can mostly ignore it.

Gretchen still holds Kasper close despite there being no real scares throughout most of the movie. He doesn't argue it. He's kinda cold and he enjoys the feeling of protection her closeness gives him.

She rubs his shoulder, absentmindedly drifting to his head to scratch his scalp. If he were a cat, he knows he'd be purring so loud the whole house would know how much he loved her.

He pauses his thought process.

It's obviously platonic love he feels for her, right? They've been friends for a decade. It's natural that he would care about her deeply. There's no way he could actually...

He forces his thoughts down once again. She leans her head on his shoulder so he has to push those thoughts down further. "You ok in there? You're not laughing when you usually do."

"I think I'm starting to doze off,” he mumbles, faking a yawn.

She looks in his eyes curiously and his gut flutters.

They're so close. He could lean in and...

Nope. No. Not happening.

"I need to take my binder off. I'll be right back."

Disappointment flashes in her eyes but it's hidden so quickly that he wonders if he imagined it. She sits up to let him go and he slinks off to the bathroom to pull his binder off.

He splashes some water on his face to calm down and tosses a large sleep shirt on. He looks at himself in the mirror.

He can't like her like that. Especially not now that he knows she likes girls and he isn't one. They've known each other far too long for this to be a good idea. They have too much history between them to think about potentially hurting that.

He dries his face and leaves, hopping back on the couch with his friend once again.

A friend is all she will ever be to him. He ignores the crushed feeling that accompanies that thought.

He can't be in love with her. Not now. She is his best friend and he should be glad that she gives a stupid idiot like him the time of day.

This isn't even the first time he's wanted to kiss her, his mind drifts. He really wanted to kiss her on his birthday. He wanted to freely let her trail kisses to his lips. He wanted her to want him.

He knows she could never love someone like him sober but he wants her to so badly. Something in him must have stirred things up because now he can't stop thinking about kissing her.

And it's further back than his birthday. He considered kissing her when they came out to each other too. It wasn't just him being overly emotional. He wanted to kiss her then because he wants to kiss her now.

He allows himself to finally acknowledge that he's in love with her. Truly, deeply, painfully, head over heels in love.

It's becoming exhausting to deny what he knows is real. She's the only person in his life that has never judged him once. If he's being honest, he's shocked that he didn't fall faster. After all, how couldn't he love someone as perfect as her?

She lays against his torso, her tiny body wedged between his long legs, as she shares her fluffy blanket with him. Her head rests on the back of the couch so he can watch the movie too.

His heart thumps viciously, mercilessly slamming into his ribs as if it was trying to escape. If this is what dying feels like, what a blissful way to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Emotional Abuse Mention, Neglect Mention, Dysphoria

It's the anniversary of THE DAY.

The day his life changed forever. The day she left. The day he was abandoned by both of his parents. The day he had to learn how to make himself lunches, tuck himself in, and raise himself by himself.

He wakes up crying and cannot imagine dealing with anyone else in that moment so he calls in sick from school. Luckily for him, his father isn't even home. Off on a business trip.

Even if he was home to protest Kasper playing hooky, what's he going to say? That he needs an education? By now, both of them should know that that is a long since sailed ship.

Kasper feels sick with grief. How can he feel so much despair over someone that is alive and well? She wouldn't feel this about him. She made that clear when she left. Why does he care so much?

He hits an angry (metaphorical) brick wall and moves from his room to the living room. He lays on the couch, switching between napping and watching Disney movies. His blanket fort is warm and cozy and almost enough to end the cruel stream flowing through his vapid, little head.

Mother Gothel is singing sweetly to him that she knows best. His mom probably knew best too if she left. He can barely manage school when he does go and he isn't there today. He's not exactly showing that he's smart or useful. He's more trouble than he's wor...

Dammit, this isn't productive and his friends would be upset if they knew he thought the things he does about himself. Besides that, he might not be their valedictorian but he's passing classes now. He pulls the blankets tighter and does his best to shove aside any more comments like that. He squeezes his eyes shut tight, focusing in on Rapunzel asking when her life will begin.

***

Kasper wakes up from his sixth mini nap to someone coming in his house. He smells warmth in the air, cinnamon mixed with vanilla. He should have known she'd check in on him.

He peeks back at Regina and stares at her, blurry eyed and half awake. "What are you doing here?" he asks with feigned befuddlement.

"I remember what today is," she states coolly. "Is there anything that I can do?"

"No."

Regina sits on the ground in front of the couch that he's currently laying on. "Been watching Disney all day?" she asks.

"No." Regina looks at him with a raised eyebrow. His cheeks burn with embarrassment and he shrugs sheepishly. "I've been sleeping too."

She laughs and watches along with him quietly. "Which one is your favorite?" she asks softly.

"Like character?"

"Like Disney movie."

Kasper runs through his catalogue as quickly as he can. He decides to mess with her a bit. He forces his face to remain straight and affect to be flat. "Beverly Hills Chihuahuas."

And, oh boy, is it hard to maintain with the reaction he gets. He can feel how hard she is trying to not judge him. The agony of not saying anything is oozing from her. "Yeah? What's your favorite part?" she asks with forced interest.

Kasper breaks his act and grins. "The look on your face. Ummm... I think either this or Meet the Robinsons," he answers with a nod to the tv still playing Tangled.

“Oh yeahhh! It’s been so long since I’ve so much as thought of that one. Wanna watch it after this is done?” Regina bubbles excitedly.

Kasper smirks. “Thought you didn’t like Disney.”

Regina narrows her eyes at him. “Tell anyone and you’re worse than dead.”

“How can I be worse than dead? Isn’t death the worst things can get?” Kasper asks lightly.

“I’ll tell everyone about how you got stuck in, not on but in, the toilet and Princess flushed it before I could help.”

“I was 6!” Kasper protests. “And wasn’t it Duchess?”

"Whatever. Worse than death?" Regina teases.

"Only slightly," Kasper responds.

Regina shifts on the rug a few times, seemingly unable to get comfortable. She leans back against the couch and then sits forward. So on and so forth until it clicks in Kasper's head.

“Your back hurts," he states plainly. He scoots back, wedging himself between the couch cushions, and lifts the blankets. 

Regina shakes her head slightly, purposefully not looking back. "It's all good."

"You don't have to be strong here. I'm not gonna judge you," Kasper whispers.

She doesn't look back at him but she presses herself up onto the couch and lays with her back against his belly. "How are you feeling about today?" she murmurs. 

Kasper shrugs. "Wondering emoji, bed emoji. How I normally do for this day. Is anyone else coming over? Not that you aren't good enough. I don't really want to be the big baby downer for a lot of people."

"You won't be. I don't know if Janis remembers what today is but Gretchen mentioned that she would come over after her homework which I believe is code for she baked something and she needed to go home to get it."

"Probably," Kasper snorts.

Regina goes quiet and tugs Kasper's arm around her. He pulls it back. "Is Janis ok with this?"

"This being?"

"Us cuddling."

"Our only restrictions to platonic cuddling are not if the person we're cuddling has feelings for us and not if a participating party is naked. We're both dressed and I'm fairly certain that I'm not the girl you've got your eye on so it’s fine," Regina states.

Kasper stiffens. "Girl?"

"Uhhh, person? Sometimes I forget that people can be attracted to guys," Regina shrugs casually. "Who are you... What's your type?"

"I like any gender out there but my crush is a girl. You weren't wrong," he confesses so softly he struggles to hear himself.

The room goes silent, save for the predictable hum of Disney. It drags on so long that he thinks she didn't hear him. He slides his arm around her waist tentatively.

"It’s Gretchen, isn’t it?" Regina flinches at her own question. Kasper tenses up. "Fuck, I didn't mean to ask that out loud."

"But you wondered it," he points out.

"Only as a passing thought."

Lie. So it is that obvious, he thinks.

"Do you think she knows?" Kasper asks.

"I doubt it. She’s a bit more book smart than she is street smart, bub,” Regina murmurs.

Kasper shrugs. “Hey, Reg? Do you think my mom, I dunno, thinks about me?

His friend sighs heavily. “Honest thoughts or a padded opinion?”

“Honest.”

"She wouldn't stay gone if she truly cared about you. She's a bitch that didn't deserve the gift she got through creating you," Regina replies bluntly.

"It's not such a gift if someone as stupid as me pops out,” Kasper jokes weakly. “I know she doesn't care about me but I was thinking about her so I wondered if she does the same."

"Kas, you don't seriously think that, do you? That you aren't a truly, completely, wonderful human being? You are a gift to me. To the rest of our group too," Regina turns around to face him and cradles his cheek.

"It's nothing she didn't tell me," he shrugs.

He sees it click and Regina softens. Kasper's stomach flips with nerves.

She didn't know. She doesn't know. Now he has to explain and he just wants her to forget.

"What?" she whispers as she shakes her head against the pillow they're sharing.

Kasper fights the tears that beg to pour. "I'm sorry," he mumbles wobbly.

"She said that to you? When?"

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Her fingers slide wider and her pinkie tucks behind his neck to cradle his head better. 

"I should have said something sooner. I shouldn't be such a baby about someone that hates me. This is stupid. Almost as stupid as me. I'm sorry," he whimpers pathetically.

He does start crying and Regina hugs him awkwardly. He buries his face against her collar and she clutches him tighter. "She didn't want me. She left because of me, not my dad, me. She only hated him because he convinced her to have me. She hated me and I know she did because she told me. It wasn’t even a once or twice thing. I was, I am, stupid and she told me that too. Sometimes I wonder if she could have started to love me if I was normal. I-" he sobs too hard to continue.

"Oh, Kasper. I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. You were just a kid. You didn't ask to be born. She had no right to treat you like that. She had no right to say that."

Something drops to the ground and both of them jump. Gretchen kicks off her shoes and runs over to the couch. She kneels and places a hand on his bicep. "Hey, sweetie. Guess who," she coos softly.

Kasper tucks his face in lower. He hates her seeing him like this. It was bad enough in front of Regina. At least she won't pity him. Now he's gonna make Gretchen sad with his sadness.

He pulls himself together finally and peeks out at Gretchen. Her frantic eyes quit searching for his gaze and she smiles at him weakly. He decides that he doesn't want today to be so horrid. He runs through a list of fun things to do and chooses one. "Let's dye our hair."

Both of them blink emotionlessly. Regina snickers. Gretchen gently bumps her. "Don't think he's kidding."

"It's not that funny. You used to dye your hair blonder," he defends.

Regina gasps. "I told you that in confidence!"

"In my defense, it was when Cady made it seem like you sent a candy cane gram to everyone but me. Also we can we can see your roots right now," Gretchen squawks.

"Fine but you're on thin fucking ice," Regina huffs but then she shoots a grin at her. "Don’t worry. That was a joke. The ice that you're on is solid to the bottom."

Gretchen sit silently for nearly a minute. "I think I could pull off some blue streaks," she shrugs and stands up.

"So we're doing this?" Kasper squeaks excitedly.

Regina sits up. "It appears so. I suppose my blonde could use some touching up."

"Should we get the gang back together since Janis knows how to do this?"

"The whole gang or..."

"Just Janis. Like the old days," Kasper says certainly.

"You heard the man. Call up your girl, lady killer," Gretchen teases.

Regina rolls her eyes but can't fight the giddy smile that lights up her face when she calls her.

***

Janis meets up with them at Sally's. No one is shocked when she's greeted by name by both employees. The male cashier with crimson hair and multiple piercings on his face loosely points at Gretchen and then Regina. "Which one?"

"Who's to say she's even here?" Janis replies dryly.

"Girl, how many people do you know?" Janis points at Regina and he throws his head back as he cackles. "Bang up job catching a girl THAT out of your league."

"Fuck off, bro," she snorts.

"What can I do for you?"

"I want pink hair," Kasper states.

"Ooo, a risky one. I like you. Hot or pastel pink," he asks.

"Hot."

"Perfect. Your hair shouldn't need to be lightened then." He leads them to the appropriate colors and tosses out some advice. "Was it just them or do y'all need help?"

"Blue steaks?" Gretchen inquiries so he does the same for her.

Regina tells the guy her plans and Janis starts grabbing products. He laughs. “You’re in good hands, darling."

***

Once they get the products they need, they head back to Kasper's house. They unload their stuff and Janis starts with Kasper. He settles in on the closed toilet lid. Regina sits on his dry tub while Gretchen sits on the edge on it. Janis begins to work the vibrant goo into his hair. "So what brought this on?"

Kasper shrugs. "I like change I can control."

Janis nods, smirking slightly. "And you two?"

"Moral support," Gretchen replies.

Regina nods and shifts a little. Kasper shoots her a smile and she mimics the gesture distractedly. "You can get some pillows or something," he offers.

"I'm fine," Regina says hastily.

Gretchen looks at Regina and then to Kasper. He nods at her and she grabs a couple pillows. "I know you're fine but there's a large margin between fine and comfortable," she says caringly.

Regina slides one of them underneath her and one behind her back. "Thank you," she murmurs.

Janis finishes Kasper fairly quickly and easily. She starts getting Gretchen going when her phone starts ringing. She sighs and shakes her head. "Phone's in my jacket. Tell me if Dam."

Gretchen fishes it out. "Yup."

Janis groans quickly. "Lock code is 0420. Text him that I'm busy but safe cuz he'll end up at my house to check on me if I don't reply for too long," she states.

"He cares about you a lot," Gretchen says fondly.

"Yeah. He can be a handful but he's a good guy," she says.

"He wants to know where your truck is," Gretchen reads.

"That was fast,” Janis snorts. “Tell him to go find it."

"That's nice, Jay," Regina chuckles.

Kasper quirks his head. "Isn't it sorta mean though?"

"Sorta but sorta funny. He won't mind."

"He edited that friendship ended with insert name meme. Now "Caddy" is his new best friend," Gretchen tells her.

Janis peeks at it and cackles. "Fucking dork. I love him. My money's on him grabbing her and going to get dinner at a fast food place."

"Probably Taco Bell. He's a cheap date," Kasper agrees.

Janis chuckles as she keeps working dye through Gretchen's hair. "We should have gotten food."

"We shouldn't need to. Kasper, do you have the essentials?" Gretchen asks.

The essentials? Of what? He does his best to not feel like the biggest dumbass to ever exist. It must show because she clarifies. "Butter, salt, flour, milk, stuff like that."

He blinks blankly. "I honestly have no clue. We have packs of microwave ramen and boxed mac and cheese. Other than that, I don't know," he answers.

"Why ramen?" Regina shudders.

"I got sick of peanut butter and jellies," Kasper shrugs.

"What do you got against ramen, babe?" Janis smirks.

Regina glares at Kasper without true malice. "Someone dared to eat a flavor pocket plain. It's never been the same since."

Gretchen snorts at the memory. She blushes and looks down as much as she can without moving her head while she apologizes.

"Thought we were done apologizing for nothing," Regina responds lazily. Gretchen shrugs. "I'm sure it looked hilarious when you're experiencing in from the outside."

"It was," Kasper admits.

“Wait. I don’t remember that. He got you to do that after we were young and dumb?" Janis cackles.

"15 is young enough and dumb enough to accept a dare like that," Regina sighs, preening her long hair. “Hell, I’d still do it if it were a dare.”

“Say, Kas, how much ramen do you have?” Janis jokes.

Kasper starts to leave to check because he forgot. He knows he just got a 6 pack thingie of chicken. “Please don’t do this to me,” Regina whines. 

Janis groans loudly. "Fine! You're lucky that I care about you as much as I do," she says.

"You're going soft, Jay," Regina teases.

"Please stop flirting, Reg. You're distracting the person that is permanently affecting my hair," Gretchen yelps.

Janis grins at her. "Don't worry. I've done this enough with Damian AND Caddy in the room. Nothing can break my concentration."

She finishes her up and moves onto Regina. "Do you guys mind if I check the kitchen and see what I can do?" Gretchen asks quietly.

Kasper nods and stands to go help. "Need some help?"

Gretchen looks at the other 2 in the room. Janis changes her gloves and raises her bare hands in faux surrender. “Please feed us. I’m starving.”

Regina shoos her playfully. Gretchen goes with Kasper to investigate.

Right before she steps onto the tile floor of the kitchen, it occurs to him that his kitchen looks very different than hers. He suddenly does not want her anywhere near that room. She knows what a normal kitchen is supposed to look like. He stops her before they go in. “This is a no judge zone.”

She nods carefully. “I wouldn’t judge you. It’s not like you stocked it.”

He smiles bashfully because yeah, he did. “The only thing in this kitchen that I didn't get is the alcohol,” he admits as he lets her through.

Gretchen’s jaw drops and she flounders slightly. “Then it’s really a no judge zone if a kid is managing this.” 

She begins checking his cupboard, silently plotting what is possible with what she’s given. “I'm not a kid, I’m 18, and I’ve been doing this for years. I should be better at this by now,” he states.

“Yeah, well, I think that’s bullshit and you shouldn’t have had to,” Gretchen huffs on the edge of aggression. She looks at him and softens. “Sorry, sweetie, how are you doing?”

“I’m...” He sighs heavily, searching for a word to place for his feelings. “X emoji.”

Gretchen turns to him and opens her arms for a hug. He aches for her touch but he sees the bleach in her hair and remembers the dye in his. He knows he’ll probably just fall into her if he does. He shakes his head at her. “I’m going to get dye on you if I do.”

She steps forward and grabs his hand, squeezing gently. “Do you want to talk about anything or do you just want me to be here with you in silence?”

“Uhhh, I want to talk but not about that. Are we figuring something out?”

“Depends on your spices.”

“I have salt, pepper, and cinnamon.”

He can see the horror that she’s trying to hide but she takes a deep breath and nods. “Ok. Ok so... I think it’s mac and cheese,” she says as she takes a package out of the cupboard.

He can't help the laughter that bubbles out of him. “That bad?”

“If you had some oregano or rosemary or basil or god forbid Italian seasoning, I could have possibly made spaghetti since you do have canned tomatoes and enough pasta in this house to feed a small village. I just... My choices are a bit limited with the supplies,” Gretchen says.

Kasper shrugs. “I’m not upset. I like mac and cheese,” he replies.

“Clearly,” Gretchen mumbles, glancing at the cupboard with nearly 20 boxes of it. “Sorry, that was mean.”

“How? I’m not stupid. I know I have a lot,” he says.

“We stated that this was a no judgement zone and I was starting to judge a little,” she admits.

He simply smiles as he fills a pot with water and places it on a burner. "No worries," he chirps.

"If you want a good, home cooked meal, my door is always open," Gretchen offers.

"Maybe someday," he semi accepts.

Regina and Janis pile out and dig in when they finish making it. Janis send him to wash his dye out before he can eat with many apologies but he’s not about to wreck his hair to eat quicker.

He zooms through as fast as he can, excited to see the finished product. He hastily wipes off the mirror to lock eyes with a pink haired girl. Perhaps this wasn’t well thought through. 

It looks cool, it really does, don’t get him wrong. He loves it but he looks feminine now. He gets dressed and looks himself in the mirror again. 

It’s not so bad this time. The masculine outfit reduces the baby roundness of his cheeks and prettiness of the rest of his features.

Pink is his favorite color. Gender has nothing to do with his tastes. He likes pink because he likes pink and his gender can’t invalidate that.

He smiles at his still steamed up reflection. The shade of pink he chose is wildly vibrant and the second glance feels way better than the first.

He romps out happily. Regina jogs to him and ruffles his hair aggressively, growling playfully. "You're so handsome."

Janis smirks, leaning backing her as she proudly gazes at her handiwork. "So glad you came to the punk side. Gretch, you're next."

She gets up from the table and Kasper grabs some extra towels for her and Regina later. 

Kasper grabs some mac and cheese and begins to eat his first meal of the day. His body finally realizes how hungry he actually is so he polishes it off fairly quickly. Janis nudges his arm. "You know people usually breathe between bites, right?" she teases.

"I'm hungry."

“I can tell,” she grins. 

A large bag of cookies is placed on the table by Gretchen, who is now mostly blonde. “In case you still are since that was present tense hunger. I don’t know if I misheard or misunderstood but-“

Kasper opens the bag and takes one. He grins up at his friend. “You understood perfectly. Thank you.”

He happily takes a bite as Gretchen sits in the chair next to him. “They’re here for everyone so feel free,” she states, turning the bag towards the other 2 girls. 

Regina turns towards Janis. “Should I be showering now?”

Janis nods as she grabs a cookie. “If you like having semi healthy hair, you probably should.”

Regina goes to the bathroom soon after. Janis looks them over and shakes her head. “God, y’all look great,” she gushes.

Kasper can’t stop it before it pushes its way out. He knows it looks fine. He knows he feels great with it but it keeps going through his mind. “It’s not super girly, is it?” 

“Absolutely not. It’s punk as fuck,” Janis instantly answers.

Gretchen scoots her chair closer to him and starts messing with his hair. His heart starts going crazy but he sits as still as he can as she does that. “None of us are going to think of you as a girl for liking pink, sweetie. You look amazing.” She turns to Janis. “Actually, would there be a way to have a couple of pink streaks with the blue?”

Janis grins so wide that Kasper worries that her mouth might tear apart further than her lips. She can barely sit still at the thought. “Tits! Cotton candy hair? Fuck yeah!” 

“You’ve done it before? Like, multiple colors at the same time?” Gretchen asks nervously.

“A few times.”

“Ok,” she says as a few of her worry lines disappear.

Kasper loves the feeling of this so much. It feels exactly like it did before 8th grade. He doesn’t want this to end yet. “Hey, Janis. Do you want to stay after you’re done with our hair? We were going to watch Meet The Robinsons and chill and eat more cookies,” he offers.

Janis smirks at him and giggles. “I’m not intruding on important popular people shit?”

“I mean, if you hate Disney or don’t want to stay or whatever, you don’t have to stay.”

“Of course I want to stay. This is just the first time you’ve invited me to anything in nearly five years so I wanted to be sure,” she replies.

Kasper jumps up and hugs her. “You belong here with us. Once a plastic, always a plastic, and I wanna want a movie with my best friends,” he states.

Her arms wrap around his waist and she rests her head against his belly. He rubs her head gently. “How punk rock of you,” Regina teases.

“Shut up, we’re having a moment,” Janis mumbles into his shirt.

Once she pulls away, she stands up and turns to Regina. Her Regina heart eyes make a speedy return and she kisses her softly. “Goddamn. I didn't realize it was possible for you to get even prettier," she breathes.

Regina blushes but shoves her gently. "You're so full of shit," she chuckles.

Janis shakes her head, smiling dopily at her. Gretchen clears her throat. "Ready to finish with my hair?"

Janis nods and leaves with Gretchen. Regina starts picking up the table. Kasper gets up and starts help. "You don't have to help this," he says.

"I know."

"I invited Janis to stay for the movie," he informs her.

Regina chuckles at that. "She wasn’t already invited for that?”

“I wanted to be sure that everyone was on the same page,” he says. Regina nudges his hip with her own as she washes out the bowls that he hands her. “Thank you for going along with this. It was a sorta silly idea but it’s been really fun,” Kasper says.

“I’ll admit that this is not how I planned to spend my evening but I’m having a good time. Thank you for suggesting it.” Kasper grins and dries whatever she hands him.

***

Once things are cleaned up, Regina offers to take him and get snacks for the movie since he doesn’t have so much as microwave popcorn in his house. They alert the bathroom gang to their departure and Regina notices that Gretchen is getting pink in her hair along with the blue. She tells Janis that she wants the ends of her hair to be dyed pink too This excites her girlfriend to a level Kasper had never seen. Very tits, indeed, he agrees. 

They fetch everyone a slushee along with premade popcorn and a couple other snacks. Gretchen and Janis are playing a gambling card game when they return.

Janis hops up and drags Regina to the bathroom to get the pink started. Kasper shoots Gretchen a tired smile. “Emoji check?” she asks hushed.

Kasper wiggles his hand in a noncommittal motion. “Zipper mouth emoji. Wanna help set up the living room for the movie?”

Gretchen places her cards face down on the table and grabs some blankets from the closet he keeps them in. He cleans up the couch that he camped out on and coffee table next to it. She helps him set up the snacks on the coffee table as she quietly sings to herself. “Do you ever think about doing a musical or choir? You’d get a part like that.” He snaps his fingers once for emphasis.

“Absolutely not. I’m sorry. I didn’t think you could hear me.” She goes silent after that.

Kasper’s heart lurches. That was not the thing to say. “I didn’t mean for you to stop. I wasn’t trying to say that you had to perform or whatever. I just wanted you to know that your voice is even prettier than you and that’s a hard thing to be prettier than.”

Gretchen blushes and dips her head. “Thanks, Kasper.”

“Just the truth.”

“Not really but thank you.”

Kasper frowns. “I believe it is.”

She nods at him once, blushing brighter than before, and finishes the task he gave her.

***

After the dye sets and the girls with it still in their hair wash it out, it’s movie time. Regina accidentally let what the day was slip to Janis while she dyeing her hair but he got a big, real hug from her so he wasn’t going complain. Janis hugs are special and he savored every moment of it.

The 4 of them miraculously fit on the one couch together. Granted, Regina is sitting on Janis’s lap but that sit counts as fitting, right? Gretchen rests her head on his shoulder, hugging the arm next to her. He slinks his fingers to weave with hers and he allows it, gently squeezing his hand reassuringly.

She turns her head for the briefest of moments and he swears he thinks she kissed his shoulder through his sleeve but he can’t prove it.

And just like that, she’s facing the screen again, as if nothing at all happened.

Perhaps nothing did happen, he thinks to himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, Misogyny, Mild Violence, D-Slur, Sexual Harassment, Abuse Mention, Neglect Mention

Gretchen keeps hinting that she wants Kasper over for dinner by not so slyly mentioning what she was making that night. He finally takes her up on her offer for a home cooked meal on the night that she said that she’s making tomato soup.

He loves soup, plus it doubles as one of the one on one hangouts she promised him so he’s excited. While he usually enjoys big crowds, he lives for when it’s just them.

She answers the door and greets him a quick hug. “The soup is almost ready and the rolls are cooling. We’ll be eating shortly,” she assures.

He drops his bag near the door and kicks off his shoes. “No rush, honey. I’m just happy to have something that is made by you.”

Gretchen rolls her eyes at him, a grin wide on her face. “You know you don’t have to pad my ego, right?” she teases.

“I’m not. I’m hungry and, just between us, I’m not sure if I can take that many more noodles,” he says.

Gretchen snorts in the adorable way she does and it’s time to shove his crush down again because she is not attainable. She is his friend. He needs to be ok with that. He needs to get over it.

“I wouldn’t blame you for that. That seemed to be your entire pantry,” she says.

He looks around her house and notices that there is a couple thing out of place. It’s still super neat, nearly meticulous, but messy for what Gretchen’s standards usually are. She sees that he’s picked up on that. “I’m sorry. I got home and just got to cooking instead. Priorities, you know,” she mumbles embarrassed as she stirs the soup.

He nods and begins to put things away. “Sweetie, you don’t have to do that. You’re my guest. I’ll get to that later.”

“Do you not want me to? Cuz I don’t mind. I understand if you don’t want me touching your things.”

“It’s not that. It’s not polite to make your friends clean your house,” she says quietly.

Kasper smiles at her sweetly. “Then it’s a good thing you aren’t making me.”

“Thank you. I think that dinner is ready, by the way,” she says.

He slides the book in his hand in the bookshelf and goes to the kitchen. Gretchen hands him a bowl with a spoon. “Take as much as you like,” she instructs as she hands him a ladle.

He fills his bowl and grabs a roll. He waits for her to grab hers as well before he sits at the table. The hot soup feels amazingly well suited to the weather and it warms his belly. “Thank you. This is perfect.”

“Are you sure?”

Kasper grins. “Very.”

She frowns at her bowl and taps the table. “I think I should add some more basil next time. Maybe some rosemary? No, that’s stupid. Not rosemary,” she mutters to herself.

“Hey, it’s great,” Kasper says, gently grasping her hand to bring her back.

She looks back at him and smiles weakly. “I’m glad you like it.”

“What’s up with the baking all of the sudden?”

Gretchen stutters and shrugs. “It clears my head. Like, when I am making something, everything feels like it will be ok. I’ve been doing this for a while but I thought Regina would call it nerdy or a pathetic bid for a man or whatever.”

“And now you’re not so scared of her,” Kasper speculates.

Gretchen opens her mouth and then shuts it. She nods with a heavy sigh. “Yeah. Plus, it’s not just her anymore. I have Cady, Janis, and Damian. I won’t be alone if she doesn’t approve.”

“What about me?”

Gretchen’s eyes beg for something but it’s so fast he barely catches it. “I was afraid that you’d play follow the leader and side with her. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did.”

“I wouldn’t have. If she pushed you out of the group, I’d have left with you,” he says.

“You would have?”

“Duh. You’re my best friend and if I were made to choose between the two of you, it would have been you. You wouldn’t have been the one making me choose. Real friends don’t do that.”

Gretchen pulls her hands back and straightens up. “Hey, papa,” she says.

Kasper glances behind himself and sees Gretchen’s father. “Hey, little one. Is everything ready?” he asks.

“Yup. Help yourself,” she replies.

He lowers his voice. “Is the other one here?”

“Not tonight.”

The man hums gruffly. “Thank you for dinner. I appreciate it. Don’t forget that it’s a school night so don’t stay up too late,” he says.

“But it’s Friday?” Kasper asks more than he states, despite knowing for sure it is.

Mr. Wieners pulls out his phone and checks it. “I stand corrected. Well, be good. Still holding to don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t,” Gretchen smiles.

***

Gretchen lets him stay over for the rest of the night since they’ll be going to Cady’s house tomorrow anyways. He hops into his pjs soon after they eat and clean up.

She settles in on her couch and reads as Kasper scrolls through his Instagram. She scoots closer, resting her head against his bicep and repositions her book slightly to lay on his knee.

He rests his chin on her head and wraps his arm around her, holding his phone near her face. He forms a loose hug around her and scrolls with the other hand. “Is this a hint?” Gretchen asks.

“Is what a hint?” he questions, feigning ignorance.

“The phone you’re holding directly under my chin.”

“I'm comfy if you’re comfy,” he says with a grin.

She hums quietly and turns her page. Her attention returns to her book. They stay like that for a while until his newly reawakened sweet tooth starts begging for a slushee.

Gretchen lives fairly close to a gas station. Walking distance, even. He lets go of her and rolls his neck, earning a good amount of crackling with how stiff he’s gotten. He bumps his knee to get Gretchen’s attention but not so hard that the page turns or the book drops.

She doesn’t respond, simply turning the page again. He sighs and bumps his knee again. Gretchen holds the book still which makes him laugh. She jumps at the sudden sound. Her eyes search the room and settle on the clock as she comes back to reality. She looks at him befuddled. “You ok?”

“Wanna go for a walk?”

“Where to?” she asks as she sits up.

“That gas station 2 blocks away.” She raises an eyebrow in curiosity. “I want a slushee.”

“Why walk there though? It’s night time.”

“All the more reason to walk. We can look at the stars and feel the air and crunch the leaves,” he bubbles.

She giggles at his enthusiasm as she stands. “You, my lovely, are twisting my arm but ok.”

God, he’s dying. She’s so pretty and she’s giving him new pet names and they feel so good and he loves it. And now he’s going to be given the absolute gift of a walk with her.

She grabs her coat and he throws on his sweatshirt before they go. “You’re like a puppy,” she teases as they leave.

“I’m a simple guy. I like walks, I like slushies, and I like being with you,” he replies gladly.

He purposefully walks through leaf piles instead of sidewalk and inhales the crisp autumn air. “I love this. Things feel right in the fall,” he states.

“Huh?”

Kasper moves over to the sidewalk and repeats himself. “But everything is cold and dead. Doesn’t it feel like things are ending?” Gretchen asks.

“Things ending isn’t bad. It’s just changing,” he shrugs.

“But change takes things and it will never be like it was,” she murmurs.

“Change isn’t bad either. If things hadn’t changed, Regina would be mean, Janis would be out of our group, Cady would be in Africa and we wouldn’t know Damian at all. It gives us things to replace what it takes,” he replies.

She sighs in defeat. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Kasper frowns at the sudden shift. “No, it’s an opinion. Those can’t be right or wrong. I think that change can be scary too. I mean, I took a super-duper long time to cut my hair. I wanted to since before the pool party thingie that shoved Janis out of our group. I just don’t like thinking of change as totally bad since it’s brought me some really good things.”

Gretchen nods, following it with a shiver. “I still don’t like it.”

“You don’t have to but you really should like at least some change because change involves unrawing food when you cook or bake.”

She laughs and opens the door for him. “You know what? You make an excellent point.”

He grins proudly as he walks in. He reaches out to awkwardly prop the door when she gets in and she giggles again. “Himbos can have a little braincell. As a treat.”

“You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for, sweetie,” Gretchen asserts.

“Mayhaps.”

“Now I know you’re playing dumb,” she says with her brow furrowed.

He grins wider. “Mayhaps.”

She rolls her eyes fondly. “I’m being serious,” she claims as she caps a cup.

“I know.” He presses his thumb against the dome top, bowing it in and letting it back up. “I’m not sure I am though. I struggle to read Dr. Suess. I know what that means.”

“That you have to fight a little harder but you keep persisting?”

He fills his cup with blue ice. “You know what I mean. I’ll never get how people like you can stop the letters and words long enough to read them. And they’re so fuzzy. I don’t understand.”

Gretchen releases the lever on the slushee machine despite the fact that her cup barely has anything in it. “Stop the what?”

“What?”

“What do you mean by “stop the letters”?” she asks with a sense of urgency to her voice.

“Stop them from moving. Like they play leap frog on the page,” Kasper answers.

“And they’re fuzzy?”

“I mean, yeah. They move a lot and that makes them look weird,” he replies.

How does she not know about the hazy nature of words? The way things constantly shift? She reads far too much to not know about this.

Unless this is a just him thing... Uh-oh...

“You don’t see it, do you?”

She sets her cup down and looks directly at him. He can see thoughts racing in her eyes. “Kasper, does the haze stay the same or get better depending on how close or far you are to the words?”

“Uh.” He thinks to when he absolutely needs to read. “They jump around more then.”

“Have you seen a doctor about this? Shit, have you seen a doctor recently?” she asks slowly, her tone grave.

“Not since I got that really bad flu when I was 12.”

He does not expect Gretchen to shout, especially not in public. He jolts from shock. “What about teachers? Have they said anything?”

“My dad said that I don’t have to worry about that. Aaron said he thinks he’s paying the school when he tutored me before Regina dated him.”

“Dammit! Are you fucking kidding?”

“It’s fine,” he coos in an attempt to calm her down.

“No, it’s not!” She scoffs bitterly. “I think you might have dyslexia. It can make reading really hard. It’s something that is usually noticed a lot earlier than now but if no one’s looking out for you then... Has anyone tried to do anything? To get you any help whatsoever?”

His silence answers her question and she lets loose a fairly loud sound in exasperation. “This is wrong. This is so wrong. No one cared enough to notice. Not even me. I never even thought to ask about it.”

For once, he’s the one that notices the stares of the 2 other customers and the night shift worker. He finishes filling her cup and grabs his. “Go outside and cool down, sweetie. I’ll be right there.”

“But my sl-”

“On me. Repayment for dinner,” he murmurs.

She stares at him, rage pulsing through her, but she leaves. He pays and apologizes to the employee for the scene. The woman assures him that it’s all fine and that she’s seen a lot worse so he doesn’t feel so bad.

Gretchen has calmed down considerably by the time he comes out and hands off her drink. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

“I’m not embarrassed. I knew you’d regret carrying that on further. As you were saying?” Kasper prompts.

“I am angry. No wonder you’ve always felt like a tiny adult. I’ve pieced a lot together lately. I didn’t know the right questions to ask to check on you. I can’t believe it took this long for me to figure this out. Your constant flow of easy to prepare foods, your difficulty with reading, your independence. It was all there, right in front of me. I should have known better. I mean, you would have noticed if it was me, right? You definitely would have. I know it. I should have been a better friend to you and I’m sorry,” she babbles hastily, energy flowing through her speech.

“You’re upset because I was a kid but so were you. Blaming yourself instead of me for my issues does about as much good as me blaming myself for not being a good enough kid to be cared for,” he says slowly.

Gretchen stops and looks at him. “See, it’s things like that that makes me say you’re smart.”

“All I’m saying is don’t blame yourself because blaming yourself for things that you didn’t do does nothing.”

“And yet I forgot it.”

“Because you’re letting yourself spiral but that’s ok. I’ve got you.” He holds his hand out to her.

“Thank you.” She grabs it, smiling slightly. It droops nearly instantly. “Please tell me you’ve had your vaccines. Please, please tell me he did that for you at least.”

Kasper nods fast, his hair bouncing violently. “I’ve seen Cujo. I don’t wanna turn into that.”

“That’s not...” She shakes her head. “And your flu shot? You’ve had that too?”

“Every year. Northshore needs proof of it so I have to.”

Gretchen sighs with relief. “Ok. Good. If anything, that’s done.”

Kasper nudges her arm before he lets go off her hand. He sees a huge pile of leaves so he holds out his slushee to Gretchen.

“What?” She notices what he keeps looking at. She takes his drink and nods forward towards it with a grin. “Go.”

Kasper takes a running start and leaps. The deafening crunch of his landing is intoxicating. He lays still in the makeshift cushion, absorbing his favorite season. He notices a flash of light behind his closed eyelids and sits up. “Did you take a picture of me?”

She has her phone in her hand and both of their drinks are set on the ground. She puts her phone back in her jacket. “Absolutely not. Why would you ever think that I’d take a picture of my favorite person when he’s happy?” she jokes.

His gut flutters like there’s thousands of bugs in it. In that moment, he wants to spill his all of his feelings to her, to tell her why that made him feeling so important, that he loves her with all his heart. He settles on something else.

“Dork.”

“Goof.”

He reaches up to her, acting like he wants help getting up. She reaches out and he yanks her arm hard enough to make her fall in the leaves with him. He drops a handful of leaves on her head and she shoves leaves at him like it’s a wave she’s splashing at him.

The owner of the leaf pile turns on their porch lights. The teens scrabble up and they grab their drinks as they take off. They run until they gasp for air and hug each other outside Gretchen’s house.

Kasper takes a big gulp of red and realizes he grabbed Gretchen’s instead of his in their panic. The sugary sweet fluid turns his mouth violet.

What a fun night, he muses as he shakes leaves out of his hair and sweatshirt.

***

He does his usual online research around dyslexia throughout Sunday. It looks familiar. It looks so familiar and he hates that is looks just like him. He starts looking into ways to deal with it, one of which is (shocker, shocker) learning how to read and doing so out loud.

He can’t stand for anyone to know yet. Anyone but Gretchen. He doesn’t ask for her assistance at school where there is so many people. He doesn’t dare risk people hearing. He calls her once he gets home and she answers breathlessly. “Yeah?”

“Are you ok?”

“Fine. I’m going on a run. It helps keep anxiety down. What’s up?” she puffs.

Huh? He has never known her to run. And running affects anxiety? “You’re not having a panic attack?” he asks doubtfully.

She hangs up on him before his phone rings against his ear for facetime. He ruffles his hair into place and answers. She’s outside a few blocks away from her house, her hair pulled into a low ponytail. “Better?”

“Only if you watch where you’re going.”

Gretchen chuckles and peeks around her phone as she strolls. “You ok? You look troubled.”

“I need to learn how to read and I need help doing that. Could you, like, tutor me or something? I can pay you for it,” he offers.

“Spending time with you is payment enough. My place or yours?”

“Either.”

“Ok. Do you want to go to the library and find a book that you want? One that you think that you can manage?”

“Maybe.” He feels the urge to cry but he shoves it down. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Hey, I’m glad you’re going to try and I’m happy that you trust me enough to ask for my help,” Gretchen coos.

“Of course I’d ask you. You’re the smartest person I know,” he replies.

“Ok. I’m going to finish my run and shower and then I’ll come over, ok?” she says, rubbing the back of her neck.

Kasper nods. “Ok. Thank you.”

***

Gretchen picks him up and they go to the library closest to him. They go to the kid’s area and he wants to hide. He doesn’t want to be seen there or noticed there. A little kid gives them a weird look but Gretchen blows it off completely. “I think I’ve got one. A really good one that might help you deal with things easier. Wanna see?” Gretchen asks.

He nods nervously, his curiosity building in him. Her fingers flutter across the spines as she searches. She hands him a book. He traces the raised lettering on it. Lightening Thief.

Gretchen was obsessed with this series until Regina deemed reading for fun to be too nerdy for them, like, 7 years ago. He shifts uncomfortably at the notion that she thinks he’s so far behind. It’s not like she’s wrong but still... “Perky Jackson? Isn’t this for little kids, like, little-little kids?”

“Percy Jackson.” Gretchen bites her lip anxiously. “I still read these so not too little. You don’t have to read it but I think you’d enjoy it. It isn’t too pretentious or full of itself, it has a lot of adventure and mischief, and Percy is somewhat like you.”

He nods, feeling a bit better about taking it. “Thank you then,” he murmurs.

She squeezes his arm gently. “And you can find another one in case it’s too tough or too easy or you plain don’t like it,” she offers.

“If you like it, I think I will too,” Kasper says certainly. “And we can come back tomorrow if I don’t, right?”

“Right,” Gretchen agrees.

***

Gretchen appeases his slushee request and they stop at Target on the way back to his house. She grabs a couple things before they leave in the promise that she’s going to make him dinner. He tells her it’s not necessary but she insists.

He slowly stutters through the first 2 chapters as she makes them stuffed peppers. The fact that she avoided pasta isn’t lost on him and he appreciates it. Sometimes he likes a reprieve from the same old, same old.

She occasionally peeks over at the book if he’s struggling too much or something sounds wrong. She sits by him while they bake in the oven, quietly murmuring the right words when he can’t figure it out.

And he doesn’t know why but something about her help angers him. He buries it so he doesn’t lash out at her. She doesn’t deserve it but something about this is upsetting him.

He likes the book. He likes Percy and Annabeth and Grover. He doesn’t want to stop reading because it’s interesting to him but the rage keeps building and he can’t stop it.

Is this what is would be like to have had a mother? Is his friend acting as his mother? Wow, this has got to be a burden to her. She could be researching Harvard, Duke, or Brown and now she’s wasting her time parenting an adult that can’t read.

Gretchen places a slip of paper in the book and slides it off his lap. “I think a break might be good,” she whispers.

She holds his face gently, swiping her thumb under his eyes. Is he crying? When did that happen? He didn’t even notice. Her phone alarm rings and she gets the food out quickly before returning to him with both their plates. “You know you were doing really good, right?”

“No, I’m not. Don’t lie. I’m not. This isn’t normal and you shouldn’t have to do this,” Kasper says.

“And when have we ever been normal?” Gretchen asks playfully, ignoring the second half of his statement.

He feels something flare in his belly. He knows she’s trying to lighten the mood but he doesn’t want a lightened mood. He doesn’t want to joke or mess around. He’s an idiot that can’t read a book someone half his age should be able to and she watches documentaries in her free time. And it’s for fun too! “Don’t play that game. You’ve been. You always have been.”

“Excuse me?” she laughs incredulously.

“Why do you hang around with us, like us being the whole group? Don’t you feel like we’re holding you down?”

“Absolutely not. You’re my friends,” Gretchen huffs.

“But you’re smart. You don’t have to,” Kasper says.

“Where is this coming from? I don’t stay because I think I have to. I stay because I want to. I know I have a choice in this and I choose to stay because I love you, I love our group, and I love my little slice of normal because you better believe that I am not normal as you think I am.”

Kasper shakes his head. She is so much better than him. She can do so much better. “I don’t need a mom. You don’t have to act like one because you feel bad for me,” he snares.

“I’m not. I don’t feel bad for you or pity you or whatever other reason you think I’m doing this for. I want you to succeed. I know you can. You don’t look at things in terms of if, you look at them in when and when you learn how to handle this... Shit...”

Gretchen trails off. She tries to dry his face again and he doesn’t want to think about the fact that he’s crying. Crying is so girly and he’s so done with feelings now. He can’t handle another wave of dysphoria.

“You’re going to regret stay with me-us, like all of us. We are not you.”

“I’d never.”

“I know how this goes. Just do both of us a favor, stop pretending, and go.”

Goddammit, she will. She will, she will, she will. No one has stayed and not regretted it. His parents, his exes, the rest of his family. Everyone regrets not leaving eventually. Regina and Gretchen have been in his life longer than the rest of them and he’s just waiting for the shoe to drop. Maybe today will be it.

And maybe it won’t be.

An unsettling calm fills Gretchen’s face. She doesn’t storm off or leave. She cocks her head to the side in intrigue. “You know what? No. I know what you’re doing. You’re picking a fight to push me away. We all do this. I mean, shit, look at Regina. She hated herself for being gay and look at how she reacted whenever we got too close to that sore spot. I know that you’re embarrassed, I would be to, but fighting me for helping isn’t going to help you. Loving you, caring about you, it isn’t an act. It never has been. I will go if that’s what you truly want but know that it won’t be what I want.”

Kasper's cheeks burn. He wants to chuck the book across the room. He wants to react worse. He wants to crawl into bed and sleep for at least a week. “Don’t go. I’m angry,” he admits.

“I know. Talk about it with me?”

“Why didn’t anyone help me before now? I’m so fucked now and it could have been avoided if someone did something. Like, do you think they know? My dad and my mother? Like, down to the issue?” he gripes.

Gretchen bites her lip, her fingers tapping her side rapidly. She nods slowly. “It’s easier to deny than deal and now you bear the weight of your parents’ pride,” Gretchen says.

“Are you making dinner every time? Because you don’t have to. It makes me feel guilty,” Kasper tells her.

“Then you can chip in and help me cook because I’m not stopping. Someone needs to get a veggie in that body every once in a while,” she teases, poking at his belly. “I swear I’m going to teach you how to cook a couple things one day so you don’t starve.”

“I’d love that.”

“Good,” Gretchen says.

***

And they carry on with that every few days. He helps her cook before they read. She corrects where she needs to. Sometimes it’s at Gretchen’s house and sometimes it’s at Kasper’s house.

Sometimes he joins her for her run before they get to it and, shit, she’s been doing it long because he struggles and she holds back so that he can keep up. And he’s the one with the longer legs, he thinks ruefully.

She teases him for that and the fact that he cancels out his run by instantly getting a slushee afterwards to reward himself. He doesn’t mind. He earned a freaking slushee, dang it.

A week before Thankgiving, Gretchen runs harder and faster than usual. She leaves Kasper in the dust repeatedly and he knows something’s up. Eventually, after the fourth time she has to stop to let him catch up, he grabs her arm before she can start going again. He holds his pinkie out to her. Gretchen yanks her earbuds out of her ears and pauses her music.She hooks their hands together with hers. “Spill?” he requests.

“Jason apologized and he was, like, really sweet about it and he knows he was wrong for cheating on me. He asked for me for a second chance. We’re going on a date tomorrow,” Gretchen speedily spews.

No, no, no. He forces his face to not fall despite the fact that he feels like a bucket of ice was dumped on his head. He has no words so he nods like a moron. He should speak up, right?

No. Not if her ex wants her back. That’s wrong. And she’s his friend. Just his friend. They are friends. Don’t hurt reality for a possibility.

But fuck Jason, his brain screams. It wasn’t just the cheating. It was the insults, the making her small so he could feel big, the meanness. He is mean in a way that they never were. Not even Regina was mean like him.

“Then I hope that his kindness lasts longer than his dick. It’s done if it doesn’t,” he decides on, patting her arm gently.

Gretchen snorts in shock. Embarrassment flashes in her eyes. She clears her throat, no doubt remembering that Jason told her told her it’s annoying or ugly or whatever. God, he hates that fucker. It’s adorable and she should never stop. “I haven’t dated in months, sweetie. It will be good for me to put myself out there,” she says.

“Are you telling me that or yourself? Because the reason you haven’t is him,” he retorts.

She hums softly. “I knew you’d have a problem with it.”

“I don’t get it. You’re super, duper smart. He hurt you. Not in a whoopsies way. He repeatedly cheated on you, in front of you, he told you that your best qualities are ugly and that you should stop them, plus he called you his second choice!” Kasper whines.

“Let’s just finish our run,” Gretchen says.

Kasper nods but he can’t help himself from pushing the subject slightly further. He taps Gretchen’s shoulder before she can put her earbuds back in. “Please ask yourself what happened to his first choice before you settle for second.”

“She’s dating Janis,” Gretchen huffs as she takes off again with her music blaring into her ears.

He shakes his head and follows. He shoves down the sick worry about her and, worse yet, the jealously. He doesn’t get it. He’ll never get it.

***

Regina rolls her eyes at something during lunch. “The fuck is that pig doing?” she snarls.

Kasper peeks behind himself and sees Gretchen talking to Jason. His jaw clenches involuntarily. Stay sitting, don’t go. Don’t, don’t, don’t. He turns back to the table. “Probably talking about their plans for tonight,” he says, doing his best to sound indifferent.

“Plans for tonight?” He watches it click in her eyes. “No. Not again.”

Cady peeks back too. "Hey, didn’t he hit on me in front of you guys?” she asks as takes a bite of her sandwich.

“Yeah. Serial cheater and total misogynist,” Regina growls while she violently stabs a fork into her cheese fries.

“Be glad you missed that one, Caddy. School was hell for a solid month after the break up,” Janis says.

“Sorry about that. My friend was sad and I was angry that she was sad. I didn’t hold back,” Regina says.

“I slid a candy bar in her locker. You sucked but I still cared about her,” Janis says quietly.

Regina chuckles at that. “Awww, softie. That was you?”

Janis shrugs. “I noticed that her being so depressed was making you lash out. I did it for the greater good.”

“Greater good, my ass, babe. You agonized over that one. You decided to follow through only because she was cool when you were still friends and you thought that she was brainwashed,” Damian teases.

“Fuck off.”

A loud clapping sound echoes off the walls of the lunch room. Regina gasps, Damian covers his mouth, and Janis stands up fast. Kasper looks behind him and Gretchen is covered with spaghetti. She slips some of it off of herself and throws it in his face. Jason’s face morphs in rage.

Kasper doesn’t remember moving but suddenly his hands ram into Jason’s chest. Jason stumbles back and laughs mockingly at him. “Defending your girlfriend, huh?” he sneers.

Kasper reels back for a proper punch. Jason catches Kasper’s arm and twists it behind him before he shoves him forward onto the ground. “You used to be hot. Stupid dyke.”

He hears him spit and his leg gets wet. Jason kicks him fairly hard before stomping off. Kasper lays still, unable to look up. He knows he’s going to cry. He knows it. He feels so, so, so gross. He prays for the ground to open up and swallow him. Is this what Janis went through? Is this what they allowed? Is this what they did to her?

Gretchen babbles to him, resting her hand on his back but he isn’t listening. Stupid, stupid, little girl. So stupid. Why did he do that?

Black combat boots stand in front of him and slender hands reach down to the ground to stabilize Janis in a crouch. “Well, that sucked. Time to get up or else they’re gonna think you’ll stay down,” she says gently.

He doesn’t deserve her compassion or pity. This is karma. She was innocent and he’s had this coming since he was 13.

He sits up and lets Janis help him up. He sits back down at the table and stares at his plate. His stomach turns viciously. He shoves it forward so he doesn’t gag. “Can I revert just this once?” Regina asks.

“Not on my accord. I can change into my gym clothes. Kasper?” Gretchen responds.

“No,” he mumbles simply.

“Fuck,” Regina mumbles. “Wanna get together tonight then? Maybe go shopping?”

Kasper shrugs. His entire arm throbs. He hugs it to him. Janis lays her hand near his side of the table. He places the uninjured arm next to her hand and she rest her hand on his. “Hey. Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I do so come on,” Janis says.

He ignores the fact that she waves the table down. It’s going to be just them then. He trudges down the hall next to her and she turns to go out the front door. “What are you doing?” he asks.

She ushers for him to come with her. She pulls a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket and lights one up once they’re outside. “Sorry. Needed to get both of us out of there.”

“You smoke?” he asks.

He has never noticed her smelling like anything but paint, rubbing alcohol, and turpentine. It could be overpowering the smoke scent though.

“I used to. I haven’t smoked at all for a few months now but I can’t get myself to take them out of my pocket. Kinda like a security blanket. Whoops. I think... I think that now is a good time for one though,” Janis answers.

She sits on a step and he sits by her. She holds her pack out to him but he shakes his head. She slides it back in her pocket. “Valid. Also, could you refrain from telling Regina or Damian about this?”

“Uhhh... Depends on what refrain means,” he answers.

“Not doing something. I’d prefer for this to be just between us since it will be this one time only and I’m not getting back into it. Not when I have you guys but that was... Hardcore, my guy.”

“I won’t tattle.” Kasper pulls out his phone to look at himself through his front facing camera. He ruffles his hair back into place. Thoughts ring through his ears. Guilt for his treatment of Janis bubbles in his gut and something horrible occurs to him. “I never did tell you that I’m sorry about 8th grade and most things past that, did I?” he asks.

“Not in words but I can see it in you so I never asked. I could tell how you felt about what you did. Actions matter more to me than empty words,” Janis replies.

“I’m sorry. I really, really am.”

Janis nods, taking another drag. She rests her knee against his. “Thank you. I do appreciate it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me I hadn’t?”

“Didn’t see a reason if you were actively bettering yourself,” she shrugs.

He nods and sits quietly trying to process it all. Janis’s warm knee and the harsh scent of nicotine keeps him grounded from spiraling too far. But that word... It keeps echoing in his ears. It sounds so different when it’s aimed at you. “I’ve never been called that,” he whimpers.

“I could tell. I looked at you and I was saw 12 year old me. I saw what I felt. It does get easier to hear. I don’t even flinch now,” she says. She deeply inhales the smoke and turns her head to blow it away from him. “But what a douche.”

“What a douche,” he parrots with a definite nod.

The cool autumn air blows lightly across his bare arms. He shivers and Janis slides her jacket off. She goes to hand it to him but drops it on her lap. “Wait.” She grabs his hand carefully, inspecting his arm. There are bruises forming on his wrist where he was grabbed. “I can kill him. They’ll never track it back to you.”

He smiles at her weakly. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt that bad.”

She gives him her jacket. “Ok but if you change your mind, it would be my pleasure. Kasper?”

He hastily slips it on. The extra, oversized cloth hangs loosely on his slim frame. He hugs her jacket around himself tightly, relishing the warmth that oozes through it. “Yeah?”

“Do you like Gretchen?” she asks in a hushed whisper.

He knows what she means and, fuck, he doesn’t want to deal with it. He is so sick of this crush. He wants to get over it, to be over it. He could lie or play dumb but he doesn’t. If anything, Janis will know what this is like bestest.

“I don’t know how to stop,” he admits.

“You won’t, but-” she takes a quick drag and turns her head to blow it out again- “I’ll let you in a little secret. You don’t have to stop. Even if you never tell her, you can still be friends. Very successfully, actually, just as long as she doesn’t try to kick you out of the group."

Judging by her smirk, he knows she’s kidding but it makes him feel worse. They did that and she just got an apology today. “Not very funny considering I got the Art Freak treatment. I feel like such a bitch. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that," he mumbles.

“I know.”

“I am sorry.”

“I know. C’mere.”

Janis wraps her arm around him, holding him close until the bell rings inside. She rushes to put out her cigarette and tosses the butt into the bushes to hide it. He returns her jacket and they return to their days.

***

The group goes to the mall to hang out. Janis makes them go to Hot Topic first. Kasper and Cady look at Disney stuff together while Janis goes to the metallier section and Damian went to the pride area.

It’s great. It takes his mind off things until he looks back. He sees Gretchen standing off to the side, whispering something to Regina. Regina’s scowl burrows itself deeper on her face. Gretchen stops when she notices that he’s looking.

Uh-oh. That’s about him. He wanders up to them. “Is everything ok?” he asks.

“Of course, sweetie,” Gretchen says.

“Are you ok?”

Gretchen stammers for a moment before giving him a forced smile. “I’ll talk about it at Regina’s, ok?”

He nods. Cady comes bounding up to them to show him a shirt with Simba on it. He lets her drag him back.

***

Janis, Damian, and Cady are arguing over movies as Gretchen, Regina, and Kasper get snacks ready. The curiosity is killing him. He needs to know. “What happened earlier?”

Gretchen looks like she hadn’t thought this far ahead. “Amateurtweens.net was taken down,” she starts.

Joy fills him. Why is she saying it like it’s bad news? This is the best news he’s heard in ages! “For real?” he bubbles.

Gretchen nods. “Yes, it was. And when I told Jason that I didn’t think that the condom he was so proud of would be necessary tonight, he got angry. He said that I should send one of those pictures of you since the site was taken down as repayment to him for being such a tease, whined that I was blue balling him before the date could even begin, and then mumbled something like “I should have saved myself the hassle and asked insert your wrong name to begin with.” so I told him to go fuck himself. He dumped his lunch on me and I slapped him in shock. He shoved me and I threw his lunch back at him. That’s when you got involved.”

He hugs her instantly. She jumps because she wasn’t expecting it and then reciprocates the gesture. She latches onto him actually so he keeps holding her. “Thank you for standing up for me. That was big and I know it wasn’t easy on your anxiety,” he murmurs.

“It was worth it. I’m sorry. I wanted to believe that he had changed so badly that I was willing to overlook the number of his faults,” Gretchen says.

Regina stiffly joins the hug, wrapping her arms around both of them equally. “Yo! We picked Monty Python,” Janis informs them.

She takes in the scene and wanders in to hug them on the other side. Gretchen taps Kasper’s shoulder so they all release her. “Thank you.”

“If you ever decide that you do want his balls on a silver platter, I’m your gal,” Janis jokes.

Gretchen shoves her gently. “Ha ha.”

“It’s starting!” Cady calls out.

They load up the snacks in their arms and rush to the living room. They don’t miss more than a minute of the beginning credits so they don’t mind enough to start it over.

Kasper bites back a giggle at Damian laying his legs across both Janis and Regina’s laps. Neither girl speaks up about it. Even funnier to him, Regina actively holds his legs.

Gretchen hears him make a sound and looks over. She snorts her friends’ position as the French Taunter starts hurling insults. He pokes her hip teasingly. She bumps his leg playfully.

It hurts like hell. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. Asshat kicked him. Shit.

He flinches and gasps involuntarily. Gretchen sits up right, swinging her legs down so her feet are on the ground. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s good.”

“What’s up?” Cady asks, perking up due to the rest of her couch’s movement.

“Nothing,” Kasper repeats.

Gretchen levels her gaze with him. “So your leg is ok?”

“Absolutely.” She places her hand on it lightly and, goddamn, he jolts.

“Damn that asshole. I could seriously hurt him,” Gretchen mutters.

“It’s fine. It’s whatever. I’ll live,” Kasper assures.

Janis pauses it. Regina pushes Damian’s legs off of her and goes to the kitchen. She comes back with a package of frozen veggies. She hands it to him. “Your thing on honesty about whether things are ok extends to you,” she says dryly.

He nods. “Thank you.”

They finish the movie, glad for the distraction from the day. They don’t speak of serious things after. They quote the movie and discuss what they’ll do for Thanksgiving.

Kylie is still up and wants to hang with the big kids. It never ceases to shock Kasper how much Kylie is like Regina was at that age. The stubborn independence, the quick wit, the blind confidence. It’s so bizarre. Not in a good or bad way. It’s just odd to see again. No amount of convincing her that she needs sleep works so they pack it in for the night around 11.

Gretchen hugs him in the driveway before they both go home. He kisses her forehead goodnight innocently. “Be safe.”

“You too,” she mumbles into his shoulder.

***

The bruise fades fairly fast, not that he cares. He doesn’t regret what he did. He regrets not hitting harder. He loves Gretchen far too much to let someone hurt her like that. There’s no way that Jason didn’t know that she hates the spotlight so there’s no doubt in his mind that him doing shit like he did so publicly was intentional.

Gretchen gets over it quickly. She doesn’t cry over him. She isn’t sad about it. Other than her seeming disappointed on the night that it happened, she is unaffected.

He’s good with that. Not just for his crush. That’s a bonus, really. He just wants her to be happy. Not suppressed by someone that doesn’t see what a prize they have in her. Not pushed down by someone that needs to stand on her shoulders to feel tall.

She deserves to be and know that she is her partner’s true love and first choice. No, he doesn’t regret it, nor will he ever regret it. He’d do it again ten times over as long as Gretchen is safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic Attack, Transphobia Mention

The Saturday prior to Thanksgiving the friend group agrees to get together and have a friendsgiving feast. Gretchen offers to open up her house and to make the food again. Kasper offers up his help and Gretchen gladly accepts it.

He comes over mid-morning. She lets him in and gives him orders with the food. "It's just us this time so you're going to need to step it up, sweetie. Cut up the bread into half inch cubes, then put them on a sheet pan and in the oven, please. It's already the right temp so whenever you're ready,” Gretchen says, fully in command. "Also, my dad is here so I'd advise G rated language."

He nods and gets to work. They quickly get into the swing of things, singing and talking as they cook. Her father comes out and nods at Kasper. "So your sister called just called. The flight is running late so she and Onyx will be arriving after midnight tonight,” he says.

"Ok. Thank you for telling me, papa," Gretchen replies.

"Mhm. Is this Kasper you're obsessed with going to be here tonight?" he asks tersely.

Kasper perks up at the mentioning of his name and looks back at the man. Gretchen slows her chopping as she comes up with an answer.

"It will be the usual group for Saturdays. Oh yeah, and Aaron should be back for tonight so he's extra but you know him."

"Alright. I'll get out of your hair then. Let me know if you need anything." The man gives a stiff nod before going back to the master bedroom.

Kasper clears his throat when the door clicks shut. "You didn't tell him?" he whispers.

"I didn't know if... I mean, it's not my story. I didn't want to out you if you didn't want to be,” she whispers back.

"Ok. Does your dad like me? I always get the vibe he thinks I'm making you stupid or whatever,” he asks.

Gretchen opens and closes her mouth a few times as she thinks her words out. "I think he's afraid of kids. He's like that around every younger person I know he knows that isn't Ashley or me. Even Onyx kinda freaks him out,” she replies.

"Ok. That makes me feel a bit better,” he says.

"Also, I think Regina is the one who should be concerned about having his approval. He's asked if I'm still friends with her multiple times and once followed it with a why," Gretchen admits. She points her spatula at him like she’s forgotten that it isn’t a part of her, like she’s simply pointing a finger at him. "Never tell her I told you that. You know how much she’s grown lately."

He draws an X on his chest as he holds his other hand up. She shakes her head as she giggles. He does his best to ignore the fluttering in his belly. "Could you please cut the long ends off the green beans?” she requests.

Kasper nods. "Will I get to meet Onyx tonight?" he asks curiously.

"Probably not. One time, Ashley has pushed them out of her bed and they managed to remain sleeping somehow. They'll probably be really tired and jet lagged so I doubt it," Gretchen tells him.

Kasper nods slowly as he carries on with his task. He takes a deep breath and smells ash. "Do you-" he begins before he's interrupted.

"Yes, you'll see them this week. They're practically a 3rd child to my dad. You'll see them around."

"No. I was going to ask if smells something off,” he finishes.

Gretchen perks up, staring at him in terror. "You set an alarm for the pie, right?" she whispers.

"I thought you did,” he whispers back.

She runs to the stove in a panic and pulls out a fairly burnt pie. "Holy shit. You've gotta be kidding me,” she growls, her breath speeding up.

Kasper places his knife down gently before rushing to her. "Gretch, honey, it's just pie. It is just pie. Do we have what we need to make another?" he murmurs, standing in front of her, careful to not touch her.

"It's not just pie. It's our meal. It's all in my hands and I'm failing so badly,” she gasps out.

"That's not true. It's in my hands too. I can text Reg and tell her to grab a pie. No one will know,” he whispers.

"I will. You will. She will. They'll taste that it's subpar and they'll think I am too,” she gasps.

"No, they won't. They'd never think that, honey. Is there anything other than pie that we could do? Or I can ask Regina to get the ingredients you need,” he offers.

She shakes her head. "No, she can't know. Not Regina,” she whimpers, sinking to the ground.

"Ok, so tell me what you need and I'll go,” he offers.

"I prepared pumpkin yesterday because I don't have to time to deal with it today. It's all over. They'll know I'm a fraud and a failure,” she puffs.

"What about that canned stuff?" The poisonous look she shoots him answers that one. "Or never the canned stuff."

He sits next to her and she slumps her shoulder against his. "Can I put my hand around you?" he asks quietly.

She nods so he slinks his arm around her, rubbing her opposite shoulder. "Is there a different pie? I know we have crust ingredients but do we have something else to put in it?"

"I don't know, strawberry? Is that good? Do you think it can fit the occasion?" she asks, her breath leveling.

"You're overthinking the tastes of our friends. Some of them like caramel corn AND hot Cheetos mixed into their Chex mix,” he jokes.

"They do not," Gretchen deadpans.

"They do. It’s so gross,” he confirms, earning a light giggle. "I've also seen Damian and Janis get sick on gas station sushi. They've gotten it again many times after that incident from the same gas station."

"Now I know you're messing with me."

"No, I'm not! I swear I'm not. Remember that Wednesday and Thursday they both stayed home last March? That's why. It's all true,” he whines.

She laughs even harder. "Ok. Ok, I think I'm good to get back to cooking,” she says.

Kasper stands up, holding his hand out for her. She accepts and he pulls her up. "I'm gonna get back to my beans,” he says, washing his hands before he touches anything.

Gretchen washes her hands after him and sighs deeply. "Sorry about that. I know that was a pretty stupid spiral."

"It's ok. I should have set a timer,” he admits.

"I could have too,” she says.

"Shared blame?" he asks.

She agrees and they get back to work. Mr. Wieners checks in on them because the inventor of toaster strudel knows burned pastry when he smells it. They assure him it's ok and he believes them. The man looks his daughter over and nods slightly at Kasper before he leaves.

***

Miraculously, everyone arrives after everything is finished. Aaron did come back today and the hug train ensues before they sit down.

Aaron shows Kasper pictures of fish that were near the shore. It’s not a shark but he doesn’t care. It’s close enough. He fawns over the creatures nevertheless.

Kasper excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Mr. Wieners catches him on the way back. "Hey kiddo. Could we talk for a moment?" the man requests in his typical stern nature.

Kasper nods slowly, his throat drying out in nervousness. The man has always scared him when he was with Gretchen but they’re alone now. He follows him to his office reluctantly.

"What do you know about this Kasper fellow? He seems to have appeared out of nowhere and all of the sudden she's only hanging out with him and sometimes Regina tags along. She seems to think rather highly of him but I'm not sure I trust him."

"Why don't you trust him?" he asks back to divert it a second and get a better feel on the situation.

"You must know that she's a very anxious person by now," Mr. Wieners says slowly, his focus intense as ever. "I'm just concerned that she's going to end up settling with a man that doesn't respect that, that he might make it worse even. Now she's devoting most of her free time to this kid and I've never so much as met him. All she'll tell me is I'd like him. Do you think I would?"

"Well, you have met him but I'm not sure. Hi, I'm Kasper," he says, waving at the man.

"Another one?" Mr. Wieners gapes at that being the first thing that fell out of his mouth. "I meant no offense by that. My daughters seem to attract a certain demographic. That probably sounded worse, huh?" Gretchen's father fumbles.

"A little bit. Sir, I'd like to know is if my being Kasper is acceptable to you," Kasper says firmer than he thought he could at that moment.

Mr. Wieners stares wide eyed at Kasper, shaking his head as he searches for what to say. An expression from him that is finally readable and the response so closely resembles his daughter's reaction to shock. "Of course it is, kiddo. If anything, it's preferable to know she isn't throwing herself at some stranger in the hopes he'll make her feel whole. That little creep she dated last year did a number on her. And I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I just needed to know my baby is ok," he says, clasping Kasper's shoulder and squeezes it gently.

"Understood, sir," Kasper nods.

"And are you?" Mr. Wieners inquires, tilting his head to the side as he inspects the boy.

Kasper catches a flash of concern in the man's eyes. This might be the easiest he's ever figured him out. It's bizarre to see this brick wall of a human being so clearly emoting. He wonders why he's never seen this side of him but he's glad to see Mr. Wieners proving that he doesn't secretly hate him.

"Am I what?"

"Are you ok? No problems with your family?" Mr. Wieners clarifies.

Kasper shakes his head. "It's all cool," he replies.

"Will Thanksgiving Day be ok for you? Because you can text or tweet or whatever kids do these days and there will be another seat at the table," the older man offers.

"It's just me and my dad. I think it should be fine but thank you for the concern," he replies.

"I'm sure she must have told you but I'm going to repeat this in case you're worried she's talking without asking my approval. If you ever need a safe place, we're here for you."

"Thank you, sir."

"Thank you, Kasper. You seem to be really good for my Gretchen," Mr. Wieners replies.

"She's just as good to me, sir," Kasper informs him.

His lips tug up in pride of his kid. "You can go celebrate with your friends. Thank you for the chat. I appreciate you telling me what you did."

Kasper nods and skitters back to the table.

***

Janis stands, tapping her solo cup with a fork. "Hear ye, hear ye! I believe it is time for us to go around and say what we're thankful for. Please be inventive. No family, higher power, sappy, blah, blah, blah. For example, I'm thankful for lesbians that aren't me," she declares, sitting back down.

The group laughs but Regina stands and smooths out her skirt. She lifts her glass up. "I'm thankful for morphine drips and pretty girls," she says, kissing her girlfriend's cheek after she sits.

Aaron stands with a giant grin, looking adoringly at Cady. "I'm thankful for my gorgeous fiancée," he says.

Cady shoves his hip playfully. "We were going to tell them together," she yawps.

"We're together and they're told," he chuckles.

"Mc'scuse ma'am?" Damian screeches aghast. "Y'all got engaged and didn't tell us?"

"Is this a shotgun wedding? Are you knocked up?" Janis teases.

Cady stands next to Aaron as her cheeks begin to match her hair. "I'm very much not pregnant, thank you. He asked at the airport and I said yes so I haven't had a chance yet," she answers.

"Show us the ring, girl!" Regina calls out and Cady obeys.

All of the congratulate them and Aaron sits down. "So, I'm thankful for moments like this. I know this is exactly what's been banned by the authorities but I need to make this sappy. I didn't have friends growing up and I was so freaking lonely. I mean, your parents can be your best friend for only so long before you feel like you're missing out, right? When I came here, every one of you wanted to be my friend, wanted to make me feel like I belonged somewhere, and that was so unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I know it's super pathetic and cliché but I'm thankful for everyone at this table. You have all made me feel included and like I have a place on this planet. Y’all make me feel like I actually matter to people that don't share my DNA. I really don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you guys so thank you," Cady says, tearing up at the end. Gretchen rests her hand on Cady back softly.

"See? This is why I banned sappiness," Janis mumbles, dabbing at the corners of her eyes carefully to preserve her makeup.

Gretchen stands, looking around at everyone there. "Well, I'm thankful for waterproof mascara, strawberries, and the 3 seven years olds that invited me to jump rope with them because they noticed me reading under a jungle gym all alone," she says quietly, sitting back down silently with as little motion as possible.

Childhood playground memories flood to Kasper. Holding out his hand to the pretty girl that would rather hide than ask someone to play and helping her crawl out, watching her cross the monkey bars faster than any of them, squeaky shouts to not when he and Janis jump off of high flying swings, tiny arms around his waist when they'd share a sled in the winter. He can't believe how much they lucked out by adding her. She truly has changed all of them and he hates to imagine what he could have been if he didn't meet her.

"Oooo, nice way to sneak in the sap!" Regina cackles. "Honestly one of Kasper's greatest suggestions. He begged Jay and me to go over and invite you."

"What?"

Gretchen looks down at Kasper in happy surprise. He responds by shrugging bashfully. "You looked lonely," he mumbles.

"We were happy to ask you to join but he was the one that really wanted you to play with us." Regina adds quickly.

Gretchen nods, resting her hand on Kasper's knee for a moment. He shoots her a smile before he stands. "I'm thankful for my large collection of vests and blue slushies," he says exuberantly before sitting right back down.

Damian stands, stretching out and shaking his shoulders out. "I am thankful for shoe lifts, musical theater, and not having to block another one of my father's new numbers this holiday season."

"Holy hell. Daddy issues much, Dami?" Janis teases, propping her head up on the table as she smirks at him.

"Not this year. Thank you for asking, Janie." Damian quips jokingly as he sits back down.

"Is that a common occurrence?" Regina asks horrified.

Damian loosely wobbles his flat palm. "Eh, sorta. He hasn't contacted me since last Christmas so we're hoping for a full year this time. Maybe he's gotten sober and won't get drunk enough to try this year," he answers nonchalantly.

Janis snorts at that. "I'd sooner believe that he called you his son."

Damian sticks his tongue out at her, jovially grinning. “Press F to doubt,” he says.

“Glad someone thinks this is a joke,” Regina mumbles as she takes a drink.

“Don’t worry, Gina. I know I’ve got daddy issues and she’s been with me through a lot of it. She’s definitely right on that. But it's whatever. He's been leaving me alone now. I think he's finally given up," Damian says.

"Jesus, I hope so," the girlfriends mumble in unison.

Both of them blush and everyone jumps at the chance to tease them for how in sync they are. Damian acts like he's offended that Regina is stealing Janis and she tosses a bean at him. Gretchen calms them down before an actual food fight can begin.

***

After they finish eating, they laze around the Wiener’s living room in full bellied bliss. “You know what a good idea would be?” Janis asks, shuffling her pack of playing cards around like she’s a casino dealer.

“I doubt it will be but shoot,” Damian says.

“Sleepover gang matching tattoos,” Janis says unaffected.

“Ah, yes. The definition of bad idea. Thank you, chaos gremlin. My life would be boring without you,” Damian jabs.

Regina snorts. “Pray tell, what would we be getting?”

“Don’t entertain her bad ideas! She will expect you to go along with it one day!” Damian whines noisily.

“Not my choice. Well, not only my choice. We’d talk it through as the little family we are,” Janis replies.

Regina grins deviously at her girlfriend. “I have an idea. Simba. We’ve watched The Lion King together enough for it to represent our friendship.”

Cady squeals excitedly. “YES! I’m down! When are doing this?” she asks.

“What have you done?” Damian whines loudly.

“Fueled her girlfriend’s determination to make this concept into an actual thing that does happen?” Kasper guesses.

Damian points at Kasper enthusiastically. “Exactly! Thank you, Kasper.”

“Never said I thought it would be a bad idea. I want a tattoo someday. Wouldn’t mind it if it was with my best friends,” Kasper mumbles.

“If you do this, consider me out,” Gretchen says hastily after that.

“Aaron, what say you?” Janis asks.

“Not Simba.”

“See? The people that like my super good idea can discuss it,” Janis argues.

“This isn’t a good idea,” Regina replies, poking Janis’s hip.

Janis drops her cards in her lap and pouts at her. “I thought you were on my side!”

“Is this a joke to you?” Damian huffs at Regina.

“Absolutely. My entire life is a fucking joke, dude. I, a lesbian, ruled our school through my anger and self-hatred due to internalized homophobia before I got duped by my best friend into losing said school wide power, fattened like a pig to the slaughter, nearly did get slaughtered when I was hit by a bus, and then I lived, only to now date the exact girl that I hated for nearly half a decade because I was gay for her specifically and never could shake those feelings off. Do you seriously think that the possibility of getting a group tattoo with my childhood besties is the weirdest thing in my life?”

“Honestly, a group tattoo session sounds like a reprieve from the weirdness of all of that,” Damian answers.

Aaron laughs at that and Cady smacks his chest. In turn, Gretchen starts giggling. “Maybe that quote should be the tattoo,” she mutters to Kasper which makes him laugh too.

Janis rubs her hands together excitedly. “That’s the spirit! Good idea!”

“Shit. No, not a good idea. Sorry, Dam,” Gretchen says.

“5 years later and I’m still being bullied by Gretchen Wieners,” Janis groans.

“Play nice. I fed you,” she jokes, nudging her foot playfully.

“Yes, and very good food at that. Thank you.”

Gretchen rolls her eyes. “I’m going to get an ego if you guys keep that up.”

“Good. You deserve one with cooking like yours,” Kasper says.

“You’re saying that cuz you’re you.”

“Hi, subjectively the bitchiest person in the room here and I’ve never had food better than yours,” Regina says.

“Objectively,” Janis mutters lightly.

“Fair,” Regina concedes.

“Speaking of, can I have some more potatoes?” Damian asks. Gretchen gestures towards the kitchen. “Thanks, doll.”

“How are you still hungry? I don’t think I’ll have to eat for a whole week after that,” Cady teases.

“Second puberty hits harder.” Damian cringes after it passes his lips.

Well, shit. No way no one’s asking questions. Kasper evaluates the room quick. Janis is ready to pounce on anyone that says anything, Gretchen is giving Damian the cis look of realization, and the rest look utterly befuddled.

“How does someone get that, uh, that unfortune?” Regina asks and, god, is she ever trying to buffer herself.

“Sometimes the first one gives you the wrong hormones,” Damian says nervously.

It goes over their heads. Damian looks at him and Janis pleadingly. This is so unlike him. Being scared and speechless is so unlike him and Kasper has forgotten how to speak too. Janis opens her mouth to help him out but gets beaten to the punch.

“I think Damian is saying that he’s, that they’re transgender,” Gretchen says softly.

Damian sparks up at that. “He is the correct pronoun,” he says slow and smooth as he glances at Gretchen curiously.

“Really? I would have never-” Regina starts before Janis taps her girlfriend’s thigh and shakes her head when she looks over at her. “I... Ok. It’s fine, dude. So everything is sorted out? No special requests?”

“Respect isn’t a special request,” Gretchen says, the firmness in her tone increases.

Gretchen standing up to Regina about something? It’s more likely than Kasper thought.

Regina stammers a second before clenching her jaw. Her face is red and it’s not from anger. Frustration? Embarrassment? Shame?

Shame is rare from her but not impossible. “Didn’t mean it like that and you know it,” she says icily.

“I know you didn’t but saying that phrasing like that is kinda rude. Us not calling you Reginald or bro isn’t a special request. Same goes for Kasper and Damian asking us to not call them certain things,” Gretchen states.

“It’s all good,” Damian says. Gretchen deflates back into the couch. Kasper rests his hand on her knee gently and flashes her a reassuring smile. “I am on the guy side of trans too so he, guy, etcetera is correct for me. Nothing needs to change for me. That was done about a decade ago after my father left.”

“Is that why your mom called you babygirl?” Cady asks.

Damian nods, laughing to himself. “Yeah. She stopped after I came out but that’s part of my past and it can be hard to divorce stuff like that from my memory. Now that y’all know, wanna hear about the time I made myself throw up on my 2nd grade bully because she told me that I sucked as Matilda in our school production of it?”

“Oh, fuck yeah. This one,” Janis cackles.

“You what?” Aaron asks, grinning eagerly.

Damian winds up, more than ready to tell his tale. Everyone settles in because, knowing him, there will be many more stories to follow.

***

Kasper feels a soft tapping on his shoulder which wakes him up. It’s dark and he can’t figure out what’s going on. “Hello?” he slurs, still mostly asleep.

“Shhh.” His eyes focus and he sees Regina leaned over the couch edge above him. He’s in the blanket fort in Gretchen’s living room. He blinks at her. "Could we talk?”

Kasper slithers out carefully so he doesn’t wake anyone up. He sits at the furthest end of the table. She hesitantly sits next him. “I need some advice.”

“This is about Damian being trans and you having no clue about it, isn’t it?”

“I... Yes. How did you know?”

“Your face was really red earlier and it wasn’t anger,” Kasper murmurs.

“I know I’m fucking up but I don’t know how to not fuck up,” Regina admits.

“What do you want to know?”

“How do I not fuck up?”

“Treat him like you treat Aaron. You don’t think about his gender. Same should go for Damian.”

“What about people like you then? Like, what about when I haven’t known them as the gender that they think they are?” Regina inquires.

“Do you think you’re a girl or are you a girl?” Kasper asks back.

Regina goes silent, pondering what that means to her. “Noted. But, like, what about when I remember people as the wrong thing?”

“You do what you’ve been doing for a while. You try to be better,” Kasper answers simply.

“But I don’t want to hurt you.”

“So you keep trying. I’m not looking for perfection. I just want the attempt to be made and you’re giving me that,” Kasper says, resting his hand on hers.

She looks at the group, staring specifically at Janis to check her eyes and breathing to make sure that she’s asleep, and leans in close to Kasper. “Ever since the bus, my memory isn’t... Uhhh, finding words, like, the words I need, can be hard. I call a fork, a knife. I call water, juice. I don’t... I made so much improvement in physical therapy but cognitive?” She huffs out something that resembles a laugh but it’s far too bitter to be a real one. She presses her other hand roughly against her lips. “And I shouldn’t even let it get to me. I’m going to finish high school. That’s a win for someone like me. A bunch of the people that I was in treatment with or near or whatever won’t get that much. I’m lucky but I’m still scared that I’ll be the worst one in this group. Fuck, who am I kidding? I already am if tonight is any indication,” she whispers shakily.

“Then I’ll go even easier when you mess up.” Kasper rubs her hand with his thumb. She pulls it back as she stares at the wood of the table.

“When? So you’re expecting me to fail too?”

“Making a mistake isn’t the same as failing, Gina. Sometimes, I think of myself with the wrong name. Damian has slipped up with us a few times with admitting that his mother called him babygirl. It would be rather hippocratical for someone like me to be upset at someone for having issues with quick learning. Especially now that you’ve told me that.”

Regina rolls her eyes. He can see her bite her lip to stabilize it before she responds. “Fine. Thank you. I think that’s what I need for now.”

“Ok.”

She stands up and starts to go back to the couch. Kasper grabs her hand gently. He holds his arms open when she turns around. “I’m fine,” she whispers.

“So am I. I just thought you might need one. Himbo and bimbo solidarity, you know?”

“That’s not funny.”

“Then my face is wide open too.”

She taps his cheek lightly with the tips of her fingers and he lets his head swivel loosely to the side. She looks at him and shakes her head. Her eyes tear up and his stomach jumps to his throat. “Fucking idiot,” she utters spitefully.

He braces himself up straighter as he fights the urge to step back. His arms fall to his sides. “I’m not.”

“No, you aren’t.” She sinks into his arms. He hugs tighter when her shoulders begin shaking. She clings onto him, burying her face against his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

It dawns on him that he’s not who she was calling the fucking idiot. He rubs her back gently, tracing little patterns over her spine. “You aren’t either.” He feels her head move in disagreement against him. “You aren’t.”

She sobs even harder, muffling the noise in his shirt. He rests his chin on her head. She clings onto his shirt, whimpering.

How absent has he been with her? How little has he been picking up on her feelings? How has he allowed this to go on long enough to become a thing this big?

A head pops up from the sleeping area. Cady makes eye contact with Kasper and he shakes his head slightly.

Cady disregards that. She wiggles out of the nest and whispers a greeting before she rests her hands on Regina’s shoulders. She stiffens, instantly stopping her crying.

She pushes on Kasper’s waist so he releases her. She wipes at her eyes tiredly, nods at them weakly, and goes back to the couch. Cady looks at Kasper confused and he shrugs.

Regina clearly isn’t talking openly about this and he isn’t about to betray her trust. Not when she’s opening up and reaching out for help. She’s never done that before and, while it’s quite unnerving to him, he doesn’t want her to stop.

She isn’t talking about it the next morning either, not that he’s going to push it. Actually, she actively ignores it. She gets upset with Cady for treating her so carefully. She whispers something to her that he doesn’t catch during breakfast. Whatever it was, it worked the way she wanted it to because Cady nods and doesn’t ask her how she is after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Neglect Mention

Kasper texts Gretchen to see if he can come over for another reading session. She gives him the ok so he goes to her house. He knocks on the door and a tall, green haired person with smile lines etched into their face answers the door. “Hey. Kasper?”

Kasper nods slowly as he enters the building and kicks off his shoes. “Onyx?”

“The one and only. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad to finally meet you,” they declare.

“Glad to meet you too,” Kasper replies. They hold their hand out and he stares at it a second. “I’m sorry but I only hold my friends’ hands.”

Onyx chuckles at that and pulls their hand back to their side. “Absolutely understandable. Gretchen is asleep still but you can get her up.”

“But she texted me...”

Onyx points at Ashley, who waves at him. “Don’t worry. This is a dream come true for your darling honey. The reading bug has bit you at long last and a world of conversations has been opened,” she ribs.

Gretchen wanders out of her room and stops in her tracks when she sees him. “Hey, sweetie. What’s up?”

“I wanted to read with you for a while so I texted you about it and you told me to come over. Now I’m not so sure that it was you that invited me over,” he replies.

Gretchen sneers out a fake laugh at her sister. “Cute. Phone.” She holds out her hand at Ashley.

“Told you she’d kill you,” Onyx says in a singsong tone.

Ashley hands it to her. “In my defense, your friends never shut up and I was going to silence it but I saw a text from ‘Sweetie, swirly pink heart emoji’ about reading and we didn’t mind him coming over to read.”

“Don’t touch through my phone, cretin,” Gretchen deadpans.

“Hear you loud and clear, squirt.”

Gretchen takes a deep breath, clutching her phone tightly for a moment before she turns to Kasper. “Did you bring your book?” she asks.

He pulls it out and flashes it at her. She smiles slightly. “Good,” she says.

Ashley snorts but he doesn’t get what’s funny about it. Onyx taps her knee playfully. “Company behavior,” they warn lightly.

“Hey, have you had breakfast yet?” Gretchen asks.

“I haven’t,” Onyx says.

“I know, buddy.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I know, buddy.”

Kasper shakes his head. “Need help making it?”

“Reading her favorite book and cooking with her? Aw, how domestic! When’s the wedding, honey?” Ashley taunts lightheartedly.

Kasper stares in the cupboard so he doesn’t betray his feelings to the room. He is already fairly obvious around her and he’s not about to fuel this fire. He can’t let it show around her sister.

“Still not dating. Keep this up and I’m not going to feed you, bub. Wait. Actually, I will feed you but I won’t feed Onyx,” Gretchen tosses out.

Onyx whines loudly. “But I’m being good.”

“Take it up with your wifey,” Gretchen snorts.

Ashley laughs. “You know platonic friendships exist, right?”

Gretchen shrug nonchalantly. “Says the woman that accused me of dating my best friend less than 5 minutes ago? Project much?”

“Fuck off.”

“Hey, papa.” Gretchen looks down the empty hall behind Ashley and straightens up.

Ashley cringes up and slowly glances behind her. Gretchen and Onyx laugh when she turns around. “That was evil. Then again, look at the company y-”

“Please don’t start this again. Regina’s changed.”

“Changed what? Her manipulation tactics?”

“I beg of you, please don’t start this,” Gretchen groans.

Ashley sighs and sits down at the kitchen island. “Fine. Truce. What are you making?”

Gretchen looks around the kitchen, her lip bitten in concentration. “Uhhh... Banana french toast? I made some banana bread yesterday so that’s a thing.”

Kasper grabs eggs and milk for her, having seen her make french toast a couple times now with their sleepovers. She smiles at his initiative and gets going on cooking.

***

“So, Kasper, what are your interests? What are you into?” Onyx asks once the food is served.

“Disney, Halloween, slushees, any music that doesn’t involve screaming, now reading too.”

“A man of good taste.”

“What spawned this reading kick? Not that I’m judging or anything. I think this is the change in you that shocks me most though,” Ashley asks, absently messing with the food on her plate.

“I wanted to figure out what the hype was about,” he states.

Please don’t push it further. Please don’t push it further. Please don’t push it further.

“She finally convinced you to pick up a book, huh?”

“Is it so unbelievable that I wanted to be better than a stupid airhead without Gretchen forcing me into anything?” Kasper asks.

He knows it comes across as a harsh, biting line but if she’s going to imply that he’s a fool that doesn’t read because of a personal choice then it’s not so bad. Her eyes go wide in the same, nearly comical way that Gretchen’s go when she’s horrified. “No, no, no. Like, it always seemed strange that she’d befriend all non-readers and she always said that she wished that one of you was a book worm. Well, Janis was but that didn’t exactly end well.”

“Maybe not the first time but this time it’s going pretty good this time. She’s not a big reader anymore though. She’s more of an artist now. Her paintings win awards and stuff,” Kasper responds.

Ashley lights up. “You’re hanging with Snarkisian again? How and when did that happen?” Kasper begins to give her the rundown.

***

“Let me get this straight. She danced with her while in a neck brace and high off her ass? What the fuck?”

“Not a neck brace. A spinal halo.”

“There’s a difference?”

Gretchen pulls up a picture that she snuck of Regina and Janis dancing at Spring Fling. Ashley gasps quietly, her hand creeps up over her mouth. “Is this pity? Do I feel bad for Regina George? Wait, is that Janis now?” Gretchen nods. “She’s been in nearly all your snapchats since spring.”

“That tends to happen when your friends and hang out a lot,” Gretchen replies dryly.

“Why didn’t you tell me that was her?”

“You never asked.”

“Dumbass,” Ashley scoffs playfully. 

Onyx cocks their head at the photo. “Harold?”

“You do know what she did to the girl she’s dancing with in that, right?”

“Bullied her out of her friend group?”

“We outed her. She got pulled out for the entire 8th grade,” Kasper admits.

“Oh shit,” they utter.

“You didn’t, buddy. Regina did,” Ashley says softly.

“No, we spreaded it.”

Ashley looks at her sister in shock as if this is a possibility that has never occurred to her. Gretchen stares at her plate blankly. “He’s right,” she breathes, shame heavy in her voice.

“Why? You told me that you liked her and you thought that she was awesome.”

“It kept the focus off of me,” she mumbles.

“Why would the focus shift to... Oh, shit.”

Gretchen looks up at her sister, her chest moving faster. Kasper grabs her hand quickly to ground her.

“I’m not Caitlyn Jenner so...” Onyx trails off, flashing her playful grin.

“Yeah. It’s all good. I mean, I’m in no position to judge you,” Ashley adds.

“What?” she squeaks.

“I’m gay as fuck, squirt.”

“Language,” Mr. Wieners warns as he enters the room. He pours a mug of coffee and sits at the table with them without saying a word about the

Ashley blushes. “Sorry, papa. Morning. You heard the words around the F-bomb, right?”

He makes a little hmrph sound. “I’ve known that since...” He searches his mind for a couple seconds. “3rd grade. You were in 3rd grade and told me that you’d never get married because that involved loving a boy. You never corrected that statement so I figured that it still stood true.”

“I don’t remember that,” she whispers to them jauntily.

Onyx snickers as they shove her gently. “That’s gay,” they tease.

“You’re gay.”

“Touché,” they chuckle. “Go on.”

“Also, Onyx is right about Regina and Janis with their Harold guess,” Gretchen adds quickly.

Ashley’s jaw drops. “No! Absolutely not! They are not!”

“They are. It’s been, like, nearly 2 months since they made it official. Regina seems happy for once in her life. Like, not that fake, prideful, confident happy. Her eyes light up and we’ve heard her real laugh. It’s a high pitch, twittering giggle, not that husky chuckle that she’d always do,” Kasper says.

“And Janis brought her best friend into our group and, oh my word, they are one mind. Both know exactly what the other is thinking by a single glance. Damian has been such a good addition too. He is one of the sweetest guys that you’ll ever meet. He always has a nice thing to say,” Gretchen adds.

“Don’t hate me for this, squirt, but you kind of have a history of downplaying things that you’ve got problems with. Kasper, is she treating you guys better?”

“Yes. Janis wouldn’t allow it if she was mean to anyone and she hasn’t had to speak up since, like, early June. And Regina is super soft and heart eyes emoji for Janis. Like, nearly as much as Janis is for her,” Kasper replies seriously.

“And therapy has helped her a lot. She’s pinpointed roots and she’s fixing herself,” Gretchen informs her.

Ashley turns her head to the side as she inspects her sister. “Color me shook. She finally got her shi- stuff together.”

“Nice catch, wifey,” Gretchen mumbles antagonistically.

“For the last time, that is a joke. We live a platonically domestic life together,” Ashley whines.

Kasper starts picking up the empty plates. Gretchen hops up and holds her hands out. “No, no, no. Not your house, not your job.”

He stubbornly picks up the next one. “Partly my mess, partly my job.”

Onyx laughs abruptly. “Good luck, dude. You’d be better off counting grains of sand.”

He grabs the last plate and gathers the silverware in his empty glass. “Kasper,” Gretchen warns in a tone that holds no real threat.

“Gretchen,” he replies.

He takes his pile to the sink and she gathers 2 glasses. He goes back and grabs the last glass. “Kasper, stop. You’re my guest.”

“Your guest who made a mess.”

Ashley laughs at his reply. “Wouldn’t you rather do literally anything else?”

“I need to clean up after myself. You had no trouble accepting my helping making the mess.”

Gretchen sighs as she looks around her dirty kitchen. “Close up the bread and put away the peanut butter.”

“Why don’t you take our help like that?” Mr. Wieners asks, his eyebrows knit in slight frustration.

“All of you will eventually give up,” Gretchen answers candidly.

“Have you met your match?” Ashley teases.

“A worthy opponent?” Onyx adds.

“Ha ha.”

"Hey, sweetie? Does she let you help her often?” Ashley asks Kasper.

“Usually when she feels overwhelmed,” he answers.  
Gretchen stammers uncomfortably. “I’m not really overwhelmed right now. I’m just trying to avoid arguing for half an hour on whether he should or shouldn’t help while he does it anyway the whole way through. I know it’s a lost cause and I’d rather use my time more efficiently.”

Her family accepts that answer. He helps her with cleaning the counter. “Why did you lie? You got overwhelmed. That’s ok,” he whispers as quietly as he can.

“They’ll worry that things are getting bad again,” she whispers back.

“Are they getting bad again?”

“It’s worse than usual but not “bad”, per say. If it nears what bad is for me, I’ll let them know and you know.”

“Promise?”

Gretchen holds her pinkie. Kasper hooks his around hers and they nod at each other. She looks directly into his eyes. “I promise.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

He hugs her tightly and she melts into it a little more than she usually does. He scratches her head gently and sighs before he lets go. They finish cleaning up together and go to her room so that he can read out loud semi privately.

He doesn’t feel how much time is passing because the story is getting good. He’s actually beginning to enjoy reading, not a lot since it’s still really hard, but it’s entertaining. Onyx knocks on the door. Kasper instantly shuts up. “Hey. Anything planned for lunch or are we fending for ourselves?” they inquire.

“You say that as if you don’t have a fridge full of leftovers,” she teases.

“It won’t be for long if Onyx has anything to say about it,” Ashley calls from the living room.

“Just leftovers for now. I can make dinner but I think I’d rather relax for now,” she replies.

They nod in understand. “Thanks.”

“But didn’t we just have breakfast?” he asks.

Onyx looks at their watch. “That was 3 hours ago. It’s noon 30,” they reply.

He checks his phone quick. It is... How has so much time has passed? How did he not notice? Is this why Gretchen looks so discombobulated when she’s pulled out of her book?

Kasper looks at Gretchen once Onyx leaves. “Are you hungry?”

“Not yet but I’m getting there. You?” she responds.

“Same.” Gretchen hums softly. She glances at the book and repeats the last line he read.

***

Since neither Kasper nor his father know how to cook, and most of his extended family was either dead or had shunned his dad for being so ungodly through divorcing his mother, it's triple meat pizza and sweet and sour sesame chicken for their thanksgiving meal. Football plays on the quietly buzzing tv and they watch together.

He has no clue what's going on and his dad knows that so he pauses the game every few minutes to explain the plays. He looks at Kasper for a moment and sighs, walking to the kitchen to grab a 6 pack. He sets it between them, taking one for himself and hands one off to Kasper.

Kasper sets it beside him, curling his legs under himself tighter. His father rolls his eyes. “It’s beer, not poison.”

“I’m only 18,” Kasper replies quietly.

His father narrows his eyes in disbelief. "I'm not a fool, kid. I know what kids are like at your age and this isn't your first drink. No need to pretend it is for my honor,” he says gruffly.

"It's not my first drink but it is my first beer," he admits, popping the top off like a wine cooler.

His father’s deep chuckle shocks him but he goes along with it. "Then I'm glad to share a first experience with you."

They tap the necks of their bottles together and drink. If he's being honest, it's vile and he wants nothing more than to spit it out. He doesn't but he wants to. He hides his disgust the best he can and thanks him.

"I know, bud. It's an acquired taste. No one likes beer the first bottle around.” His father laughs, clasping his shoulder and rubbing firmly. The air between them shifts darkly in a snap. "Fuck, I had no clue how to raise a child. You've practically raised yourself," he huffs bitterly, shaking his head while it hangs low in shame.

"You're going to try now. That's what counts," Kasper reassures.

“It’s too late, isn’t it? I missed my chance because I was selfish and angry at everyone. You are 18 and don’t actually need a parent anymore.”

“I need someone who knows how to do taxes,” Kasper offers up with a partial smile.

He looks at him, curiosity filling his eyes. "Where did you get that from? Your mother and I can hold grudges like there's no tomorrow, but you? I’ve never seen you get angry even."

"I get angry and I do have a couple grudges. I just rarely see a reason to stay angry after," he replies.

His dad isn't the one he hates. He stayed. Kasper can't be angry at him for struggling after all he lost.

"I’ve wasted so much time, so many opportunities. I’m so scared that it’s too late to even have a relationship with you. Kid, I don’t know where to begin to make it up to you," his father explains, his voice wobbling.

He doesn't know how to respond and he doubts that his lack of knowledge has anything to do with whether he's dumb or smart this time. He simply hugs his father tightly and lets him cry, hushing him after every time he sobs that he's failed him.

His dad finally calms down and clears his throat thickly. "I shouldn't have done that," he says steely and stoic once more.

"Maybe it's good that you did," Kasper offers quietly. His dad nods once, wipes his eyes with the collar of his shirt, and turns his attention back to the game.

It's as if nothing happened. His walls are back up, maybe not as high as they were before, but they're up. His father takes a swig of beer and groans immaturely before pausing the game and explaining another play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: elphabuddy  
> I hope y’all enjoyed this quarter of And A Vest. I’m currently working on winter and I’ll get it out as soon as possible.  
> Stay safe and well.  
> See you on the flip side.


End file.
